Alien in the Family

calm.” ACE didn’t broadcast this. Thank God. “Am I a bad man to admit I was hoping Martini would accept the crown?”
    “No, I’d have been sort of hurt otherwise.”
    Chuckie grinned at me, then turned to Victoria. “Your Highness, here’s your son. Alexander, nice meeting you. Remember that the C.I.A. is now watching you.”
    Victoria hugged Alexander and started crying. I looked at Chuckie and raised my eyebrow. He gave me a very nice smile and an almost imperceptible nod. I was impressed and hoped the bugs worked long range. It was Chuckie, of course, so the likelihood was high that they would.
    Alexander laughed. “What can I do to thank you?”
    “Well, start with no longer making us the dumping ground for all your freaking problems.” I thought of something. “ACE, remove the Alpha Four Ozone Shield. Leave the ones up on the other worlds, though.” My voice was projecting again. I looked up and saw a shimmering high up in the sky that broke apart and disappeared.
    There were gasps of horror from the crowd. “Oh, you don’t like that? Well, here’s what Earth doesn’t like. We’re really freaking tired of being the Alpha Four trash bin. That’s over now. Deal with your own parasitic superbeings. We’ll tell you how, if you want to send an emissary, Alex. One that we approve and who doesn’t come disguised and to do damage to us.”
    Chuckie nodded. “Earth has more weapons than perhaps you’re aware of. Don’t put up another PPB net around us; don’t interfere with us any more. We like the A-Cs we have, and if you asked nicely about immigration, we might consider letting you come on over. But we will exterminate with extreme prejudice anyone coming to make us your battlefield ever again.” He was talking to Alexander but looking at Leonidas. I got the impression they were communicating on the super-smart-guy channel in some way.
    Alexander nodded. “Your requests are fair, even the removal of the Ozone Shield. Once we know the parasitic threat has truly stopped, we can put it up again. And, perhaps, share it with you as well.”
    “That we would appreciate.” I looked around. “Time for us to go.”
    “Already?” Victoria sounded shocked. “But you just arrived. None of you from Earth have been here before. You are that uninterested in other worlds?”
    “Hardly. We’re hot and heavy for the new world experience. We’re also battered and banged up, and some of us have things to do and all. We know the way here now, if you catch my drift.”
    “I will open the gate to you,” Alexander said. “You will be able to come when you choose or have need.” He looked a little lost. Victoria still looked shocked. Leonidas looked as though he was fine with our taking off.
    I spit in my hand and held it out to Alexander. “Spit.” He looked at me like I was crazy. So did Victoria and Leonidas. Chuckie started to laugh. “Dude, spit. It’s gross enough.” He spit, gingerly, in my hand. I grabbed his hand and shook, did the whole gangsta thing. It was really impressive in a totally icky way. Alexander tried not to gag. “It was spit or blood. You’re bleeding but I’m not, so . . .” He nodded. I figured he was afraid he’d barf if he talked. “Pinky up.”
    “What?” he asked weakly.
    I raised mine. “Pinky. Up. How hard are these instructions?” He did as I said. I wrapped our pinkies. “Earth and Alpha Four—we have each other’s backs from now on. Agree?”
    Alexander looked at Chuckie. Who grinned. “Agree and say the same thing.”
    Alexander nodded. “Yes. Earth and Alpha Four, we have each other’s backs from now on. Agree?”
    “Yes.” I shook our pinkies. Alexander still looked confused. Victoria looked more shocked. Leonidas looked as though he was trying not to laugh. I looked at Chuckie. “Aliens are weird.” I let go of Alexander’s hand. He wiped his on his shirt. I wiped mine on his shirt, too.
    “What was that about?” he asked me.
    I shrugged. “We could do the whole long diplomatic crap and argue over pieces of paper for decades, but it all comes down to the spit shake or the blood oath and the pinky swear. They’re as binding as any piece of paper and, honestly, probably work better.”
    “We are allies now?” Alexander seemed very confused. Leonidas, however, looked quietly pleased.
    “Yeah! See? The first thing you did as the new king was create an alliance with Earth. Dude, you rock!”
    Chuckie coughed. “I’ll send you a note