Catweazle and the Magic Zodiac

‘With it I could fly, make gold,
find thy treasure: understand all things.’
    ‘Sounds
quite useful,’ murmured Cedric.
    ‘We of
the Old Ways have sought it since Time was a baby.’
    ‘Any
luck?’
    Catweazle
shook his head and a caterpillar fell out of his beard. ‘Trees will walk when
it is found,’ he said sadly.
    ‘Then
I’d look for the other signs if I were you.’
    ‘Thou
art right, Owlface,’ sighed Catweazle.
    There
was a pause.
    ‘Feeling
better?’
    Catweazle
nodded.
    ‘Good!
I really came to warn you not to go charging around the woods today. It’s a bit
complicated to explain. There’s a military exercise going on, so keep out of
sight.’
    Lord
Collingford was in the Territorial Auxiliary and Volunteer Reserve, and he had
given permission for an exercise to be held on his estate. The sitting-room at
Kings Farthing had been turned into a temporary headquarters and
field-telephone wires trailed everywhere. Lord Collingford, in a very smart
uniform, was busily sticking little flags into a large map, when Lieutenant Colonel
Dickinson, a tough leathery-faced man with white hair, marched into the room.
    Groome,
who had been testing the telephones, immediately stood to attention.
    ‘Morning,
Arnold,’ said Lord Collingford.
    ‘Hello,
Charles,’ said Dickinson. ‘Everything ready?’
    ‘I
think so. Come and look at the map.’
    Colonel
Dickinson was the commander of the Green Devils, who had green goats on their
armbands, while Lord Collingford was in charge of the enemy force, the Blue
Demons, who had blue wolves. Each move in the mock battle would be reported by
phone and its progress plotted on the map by the two commanders, rather like a
game of chess.
    A phone
rang, but as there were eight of them on the desk, Lord Collingford had some
difficulty in locating it.
    ‘Blue
Demon One,’ he said crisply.
    ‘Standing
by, sir,’ said a voice at the other end of the line.
    ‘Good!’
said Lord Collingford and hung up. ‘The umpires are ready, Arnold,’ he said.
    ‘Right,’
said Dickinson, ‘I’ll just pop down to see Jones. Better synchronize watches.’
    They
all looked at their watches.
    ‘Dash
it!’ said Dickinson, ‘darn thing’s stopped.’ He turned to Groome. ‘Are you a
Green Devil or a Blue Demon?’
    ‘Green
Devil, sir,’ said Groome.
    ‘Good
man!’ said Colonel Dickinson. ‘Come on!’
    The
stables had been turned into a command post for the Green Devil army and the
office was being manned by Lieutenant Jones, a brash, bossy, fair-haired young
man. He was on the phone when Colonel Dickinson came in.
    ‘Now
then, Jones,’ said Dickinson, ‘for the purposes of
    Exercise
Capricorn, I’m promoting you to Major. Got to encourage you part-time
chappies.’
    ‘Thank
you, sir,’ said Jones, overwhelmed by his sudden rise to power.
    ‘Better
synchronize watches,’ said Dickinson.
    They
looked at them.
    ‘Darn
thing’s stopped again,’ snorted Dickinson.

    Catweazle
had taken no notice of Cedric’s warning and was picking blackberries in the
woods when suddenly he saw a tree walking across the clearing ahead of him.
Then three similar trees came up and they all moved off together.
    ‘Trees
will walk!’ said Catweazle when he had recovered from the shock. ‘Trees will
walk!’ He began to fizz with excitement. ‘The Philosopher’s Stone! ’Tis found!’
    He
turned to the tree he was crouching behind. ‘Come, O tree,’ he said, ‘let us
follow thy brothers.’
    The
tree refused to budge.
    ‘Art
tired? Hast thou come far? Rest here, O tree, and I will follow them,’ said
Catweazle.
    By now
Exercise Capricorn was well under way and at headquarters the two commanders
were beginning to get reports from their various units.
    ‘We’ve
just wiped out Blue Demon C Platoon,’ said Dickinson, pulling some of Lord
Collingford’s flags from the map.
    ‘Ah
yes,’ said Lord Collingford from the other side of the table. ‘But we’ve just
captured the sewage farm.’ Outside Green Devil Command Post Major Jones was
briefing a platoon. ‘Keep your eyes peeled for any suspicious-looking civilians
in the area. They could be Blue Demons, I’m issuing you with two grenades
each,’ he went on and started opening a large wooden box on the bench in front
of him. ‘Wait a minute, wait a minute,’ he said, ‘who signed for these?’
    A
soldier in the front rank stood to attention.
    ‘You
were told to get dummy grenades. This stuff’s live,’ said Jones