How to be a Brit

country
into small sections. If Cyprus can be independent, why not Wales? If Malta, why
not Lancashire or Cornwall? If Singapore, why not Birmingham? If Field Marshal
Idi Amin can make a fool of himself — well, didn’t he learn everything from us?
    All this needed great
determination, skill and the united effort of a great nation. But the British
aren’t the British for nothing. To their eternal glory, they are on the way to
complete success.

ON THE ELEGANCE OF DECAY
     
     
    It was not only
that proverbial spirit of fairness that led the nation to this decision. There
was another, equally good reason. To remain Top Nation would inevitably have meant winning the eternal rat-race from time to time — perhaps quite often —
and that the British cannot bear. The thing is to take part but not to win. You
take part only and exclusively because without taking part you cannot lose. This is not the Nation of Vulgar Winners; this is the Nation of Good Losers.
    The greatest days of Rome
were its days of decline. The most splendid period of the Bourbon monarchy was
the period before the Revolution. It is more elegant, wise and stylish to decay
than to flourish; better to decline than to pant, rush around, sweat and get
hoarse in vulgar bargaining. It is much more in keeping with the British style
to live in a quiet and slightly disintegrating manor house than in a
super-modem and noisy market place. It is more in keeping to potter around in
the garden and remain healthy than to rush around town under great stress and
get heart attacks. I agree with the British about this; I too prefer
constructive decay to futile progress. But one has to know how to decay;
one must learn how to be decadent. You may desire to decay, yet your inborn
excellence, your splendid human qualities, your shining character may keep you
on the top. Or else, you may overdo it and decay a shade too speedily.
     
    * * *
     
    Once upon a time I
committed another little book, called How to be an Alien. A good friend,
to my horror, discovered in 1976 that that book was thirty years old. I have
reluctantly to admit that although I was only four years old when I wrote it,
this makes me almost middle-aged.
    What has changed in thirty
years? Who has changed in thirty years? Would I write that book again? Could I write that book again? If I did try to write it, in what way would it
differ from the original How to be an Alien ?
    Both I and Britain have, of
course, changed a great deal. First of all, I have become, in a sense, more
British than the British while the British have become less British. I have
become a little better off than the young refugee was thirty years ago, Britain
has become much poorer. I have climbed up the ladder a bit, Britain has climbed
down quite a lot. I have become less of a European, Britain — apparently — more
European. Britain has lost an Empire and gained me (the net gain, let’s face
it, is infinitesimal).
    How to be an Alien was addressed to fellow
aliens, telling them how to make themselves acceptable, how to imitate the
English — in other, simple words How to be an Alien was telling them how
not to be an Alien.

    There was a joke at the end
of the forties. A German refugee was offered naturalisation but he indignantly
exclaimed: ‘What? Without India?!‘ He had a point, of course. But should you
still wish to belong to the clan — India or no India — you must go through a
refresher course if you are an ancient alien like myself, or learn some new
rules if you are a newcomer, a budding alien. You still have to discuss the
weather, of course, with fervent interest; you still have to form an orderly
queue on the slightest provocation; you are still not to address a
shop-assistant until you are spoken to; if you are a worker, you are not to
work, if you are a solicitor you are not to solicit, if you are a streetwalker
you are not to walk the streets, if you are the Lord Privy Seal you are not a
lord and if you are the Black Rod you most certainly are not black (nor, for
that matter, are you a rod). But English ideas on food, drink, sex, travel etc
have changed or been modified, so study the new rules carefully.
    The most important thing to
remain unchanged is the English attitude towards you. The world still consists
of two clearly divided groups: the English and the foreigners. One group
consists of less than fifty million people; the other of 3,950 million. The
latter group does not really count. The Scots, the