I Shall Wear Midnight

might just about be usable to clean windows from now on. I’m afraid we didn’t leap as fast as the hare.’
    Letitia looked around. ‘Is Roland … is he all right?’
    ‘Right as rain,’ said Preston cheerily. ‘The wet pig muck really helped.’ Letitia paused for a moment. ‘And that … thing?’
    ‘Gone,’ said Tiffany.
    ‘Are you sure Roland is all right?’ Letitia insisted.
    Preston grinned. ‘Absolutely tickety boo, miss. Nothing important has been burned away, although it might be a little painful when we take the crusts off. He’s somewhat baked on, if you get my meaning.’ Letitia nodded and then turned, slowly, to Tiffany. ‘What was that you said when we were jumping?’
    Tiffany took a deep breath. ‘I married you.’
    ‘You, that is to say you , married, which is to say, wedded … us ?’ said Letitia.
    ‘Yes,’ said Tiffany. ‘That is to say, certainly. Jumping over the fire together is a very ancient form of marriage. Doesn’t need any priests either, which is a great saving on the catering.’
    The possible bride weighed this one up. ‘Are you sure?’
    ‘Well, that’s what Mrs Ogg told me,’ said Tiffany, ‘and I’ve always wanted to try it.’
    This seemed to meet with Letitia’s approval, because she said, ‘Mrs Ogg is a very knowledgeable lady, I must admit. She knows a surprising number of things.’
    Tiffany, keeping her face as straight as possible, said, ‘A surprising number of surprising things.’
    ‘Oh, yes … Er.’ Letitia cleared her throat rather hesitantly and followed up ‘er’ with an ‘um’.
    ‘Is something wrong?’ said Tiffany.
    ‘That word you used about me while we were jumping. I think it was a bad word.’
    Tiffany had been expecting this. ‘Well, apparently it’s traditional.’ Her voice almost as hesitant as Letitia’s, she added, ‘And I don’t think Roland is a knave, either. And, of course, words and their usage do change over the years.’
    ‘I don’t think that one does!’ said Letitia.
    ‘Well, it depends on circumstance and context,’ said Tiffany. ‘But frankly, Letitia, a witch will use any tool at hand in an emergency, as you might learn one day. Besides, the way we think about some words does change. For example, do you know the meaning of the word “buxom”?’ She thought to herself, Why am I making this small talk? I know: because it’s an anchor, and reassures me that I am a human being among other humans, and it helps wash the terror out of my soul …
    ‘Yes,’ said the bride-to-be. ‘I’m afraid I’m not, very, um, large in that department.’
    ‘That would have been a bit unfortunate a couple of hundred years ago because the wedding service in those days required a bride to be buxom towards her husband.’
    ‘I’d have had to push a cushion down my bodice!’
    ‘Not really; it used to mean kind, understanding and obedient,’ said Tiffany.
    ‘Oh, I can do those,’ said Letitia. ‘At least, the first two,’ she added with a grin. She cleared her throat. ‘What is it, apart from getting married, of course – and I am very amused about that – that we have just done?’
    ‘Well,’ said Tiffany. ‘You have helped me trap one of the worst monsters that has ever fouled the world.’
    The new bride brightened up. ‘Did we? Well, that’s good,’ she said.
    ‘I’m very glad we did that. I don’t know how we can repay you for all your help though.’
    ‘Well, clean used linen and old boots are always welcome,’ said Tiffany seriously. ‘But you don’t have to thank me for being a witch. I’d much prefer that you thanked my friend Preston. He put himself in real danger for the pair of you. At least we were together. He was out here all by himself.’
    ‘That is, in point of actual fact,’ said Preston, ‘not entirely accurate . Apart from anything else, all my matches were damp, but fortuitously Mr Daft Wullie and his chums were very kind enough to lend me some. And I’ve been told to tell ye that that was OK, because they was helping me, not ye! And although there are ladies present, I have to say that they did assist in getting things going quickly by flapping the flames with their kilts. A sight, I may say, that once seen is never forgotten.’
    ‘I would very much have liked to have seen it,’ said Letitia politely.
    ‘Anyway,’ said Tiffany, trying to get the mental picture out of her mind, ‘it might be best to concentrate on the fact that you will be somewhat more