Not Dead Yet

motherfucker. Weather, accidents, tantrums, local bureaucracy, script lines that did not work when you tried to film them, neurotic actors, jealous actors, bitchy actors, egotistical actors, drunk actors, slow actors; God love them all.
    In his experience the movie directors themselves were amongthe worst offenders. He’d never worked with one who hadn’t moaned about the length of time he had to get a crucial scene in the can, or about the lack of budget for special effects, or the shooting schedule he was meant to stick to. Why did every fucking film director he’d ever worked with need a wet nurse?
    ‘What kind of a problem, Jack?’ he responded.
    ‘Well, a bit of a technical problem with the script.’
    Just from the way Jordan spoke, Brooker got the sense he was about to be mightily pissed off. In his baggy black T-shirt, even baggier jeans and his signature black Gucci loafers, he looked his director squarely in the eyes. ‘What technical problem, exactly?’
    All of Jordan’s acolytes stood around him, like he was some kind of deity. The Location Manager, the Line Producer, the Production Secretary, the Production Designer, the Director of Photography, the First Assistant Director, and his Personal Assistant.
    ‘With the script? What kind of technical problem?’
    ‘Looks like whoever researched it has screwed up, big time.’
    ‘Perhaps I could explain, Mr Brooker,’ said Louise Hulme, the Royal Pavilion’s resident historian who had been assigned to the production. She was a pleasant, academic-looking woman, with long fair hair clipped back, wearing a pink summer dress and sensible white shoes. ‘You have this scene in your script which is a key moment in the relationship between King George and Maria Fitzherbert. It’s when he ends their relationship by telling her he doesn’t love her any more.’
    Brooker squinted at her, not liking her school-marmy manner. ‘You gonna tell me their relationship never ended?’
    ‘Not at all, it did indeed end. But in your script, George tells Maria when they are seated next to each other at a banquet at this table.’
    ‘Uh huh,’ Brooker said. His phone vibrated. He pulled it out of his pocket, glanced at the display. INTERNATIONAL was all that was there. Probably someone calling about money he owed. He killed the call and turned his focus back to Louise Hulme.
    ‘Well, the first problem is one of historical fact, Mr Brooker. You see, during the time when George the Fourth and Maria were lovers, this building was only a modest farmhouse. All the grand buildingworks, such as this Banqueting Room, weren’t started until a considerable time later. This room was actually completed five years after their relationship ended, so it is impossible that that conversation could have happened in here.’
    She delivered the information with an assured, know-all smile that profoundly irritated Brooker. This room was stunning, it looked a fitting place for a king to dump his mistress. Who cared about historical accuracy? A handful of academic pedants, that was who. No one in a movie theatre in Little Rock, Arkansas, or Springfield, Missouri, or Brooksville, Florida was going to give a shit whether this room had been built then or not.
    ‘I guess we’ll have to take a bit of artistic licence there,’ he said. ‘This is a movie, it’s entertainment, not a documentary.’
    ‘Quite,’ Louise Hulme said, with a smile that masked a frown of disapproval. ‘But you do have another historical inaccuracy in your scenario.’
    ‘What’s that?’ He shot a glance at Jack Jordan, whose gloom seemed to have deepened further, as if the world were now in the final seconds of countdown to self-destruct.
    ‘Well, the thing is,’ Louise Hulme continued, ‘George did not have the courage to end the relationship face to face. So he did it in what I suppose would be the contemporary equivalent of an email, or even a tweet.’
    ‘What did he do?’
    ‘Well, he held a very important banquet in honour of the King of France – and did not invite Mrs Fitzherbert. In the court etiquette of the day, that was as formal a signal that a relationship was at an end as you could give.’
    ‘Lady, I respect you know your history,’ Brooker said. ‘But that’s just not something that translates cinematically. This is one of the biggest scenes in our movie. It’s the emotional climax of our whole story! They’re seated, centre stage at the table, surrounded by all these grand