Tales of the Unexpected

tobacco, impotence in men, asthma, croup, and gout… There are stacks of signed testimonials… A celebrated stockbroker in Mexico City contracted a particularly stubborn case of psoriasis. He became physically unattractive. His clients began to forsake him. His business began to suffer. In desperation he turned to royal jelly – one drop with every meal – and presto! – he was cured in a fortnight. A waiter in the Café Jena, also in Mexico City, reported that his father, after taking minute doses of this wonder substance in capsule form, sired a healthy boy child at the age of ninety. A bullfight promoter in Acapulco, finding himself landed with a rather lethargic-looking bull, injected it with one gramme of royal jelly (an excessive dose) just before it entered the arena. Thereupon, the beast became so swift and savage that it promptly dispatched two picadors, three horses, and a matador, and finally…” ’
    ‘Listen!’ Mrs Taylor said, interrupting him. ‘I think the baby’s crying.’
    Albert glanced up from his reading. Sure enough, a lusty yelling noise was coming from the bedroom above.
    ‘She must be hungry,’ he said.
    His wife looked at the clock. ‘Good gracious me!’ she cried, jumping up. ‘It’s past her time again already! You mix the feed, Albert, quickly, while I bring her down! But hurry! I don’t want to keep her waiting.’
    In half a minute, Mrs Taylor was back, carrying the screaming infant in her arms. She was flustered now, still quite unaccustomed to the ghastly non-stop racket that a healthy baby makes when it wants its food. ‘Do be quick, Albert!’ she called, settling herself in the armchair and arranging the child on her lap. ‘Please hurry!’
    Albert entered from the kitchen and handed her the bottle of warm milk. ‘It’s just right,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to test it.’
    She hitched the baby’s head a little higher in the crook of her arm, then pushed the rubber teat straight into the wide-open yelling mouth. The baby grabbed the teat and began to suck. The yelling stopped. Mrs Taylor relaxed.
    ‘Oh, Albert, isn’t she lovely?’
    ‘She’s terrific, Mabel – thanks to royal jelly.’
    ‘Now, dear, I don’t want to hear another word about that nasty stuff. It frightens me to death.’
    ‘You’re making a big mistake,’ he said.
    ‘We’ll see about that.’
    The baby went on sucking the bottle.
    ‘I do believe she’s going to finish the whole lot again, Albert.’
    ‘I’m sure she is,’ he said.
    And a few minutes later, the milk was all gone.
    ‘Oh, what a good girl you are!’ Mrs Taylor cried, as very gently she started to withdraw the nipple. The baby sensed what she was doing and sucked harder, trying to hold on. The woman gave a quick little tug, and
plop
, out it came.
    ‘Waa! Waa! Waa! Waa!’ the baby yelled.
    ‘Nasty old wind,’ Mrs Taylor said, hoisting the child on to her shoulder and patting its back.
    It belched twice in quick succession.
    ‘There you are, my darling, you’ll be all right now.’
    For a few seconds, the yelling stopped. Then it started again.
    ‘Keep belching her,’ Albert said. ‘She’s drunk it too quick.’
    His wife lifted the baby back on to her shoulder. She rubbed its spine. She changed it from one shoulder to the other. She lay it on its stomach on her lap. She sat it up on her knee. But it didn’t belch again, and the yelling became louder and more insistent every minute.
    ‘Good for the lungs,’ Albert Taylor said, grinning. ‘That’s the way they exercise their lungs, Mabel, did you know that?’
    ‘There, there, there,’ the wife said, kissing it all over the face. ‘There, there, there.’
    They waited another five minutes, but not for one moment did the screaming stop.
    ‘Change the nappy,’ Albert said. ‘It’s got a wet nappy, that’s all it is.’ He fetched a clean one from the kitchen, and Mrs Taylor took the old one off and put the new one on.
    This made no difference at all.
    ‘Waa! Waa! Waa! Waa! Waa!’ the baby yelled.
    ‘You didn’t stick the safety pin through the skin, did you, Mabel?’
    ‘Of course I didn’t,’ she said, feeling under the nappy with her fingers to make sure.
    The parents sat opposite one another in their armchairs, smiling nervously, watching the baby on the mother’s lap, waiting for it to tire and stop screaming.
    ‘You know what?’ Albert Taylor said at last.
    ‘What?’
    ‘I’ll bet she’s still hungry. I’ll bet all