The Summer of Sir Lancelot

ain‘t the sort to be pushed around. Get me?‘
    ‘Ron has a terribly independent mind,‘ Felicity explained.
    ‘Get out of this house before I—‘
    ‘Ron‘s a terrific poet, Daddy. Honestly! Soon he‘ll be better known than T S Eliot. He‘s writing a wonderful poem called Tea and Wads. He‘ll read you some of it, if you like.‘
    ‘I wouldn‘t mind,‘ conceded Ron.
    ‘He wants a grant from your Committee, Daddy,‘ she continued, sniffing eagerly, ‘to keep him till he finishes it.‘
    ‘Do you know who I have in there?‘ snapped Mr Nightrider. ‘None other than Anthony Waterfall — ‘
    ‘Strictly for Stonehenge,‘ Ron dismissed him.
    ‘If Ron can‘t get a grant, Daddy,‘ Felicity went on brightly, ‘we‘ll get married and you can support us for a year.‘
    Mr Nightrider clasped his bald head. ‘I‘m asleep. Yes, I must he asleep. Any minute Mrs Chuffey will come in with the tea. Felicity... Felicity, my child... He ground one fist in another, as though pulverizing Ron‘s bones in a pestle and mortar. ‘What on earth gave you the idea of introducing this... this gentleman to your own home?‘
    ‘Why, Uncle Lancelot, Daddy. He doesn‘t believe in class distinction and lie certainly thinks poets should be subsidized. He told me so this very morning.‘
    Mr Nightrider reached the study door as Mrs Chuffey emerged with the bowl.
    ‘You certainly can‘t enter now,‘ she told him shortly, ‘Sir Lancelot is in the middle of a very delicate investigation.‘
    His hot reply was stifled by Randolph bursting through the front door, his usual tomato complexion turned to boiled parsnip. ‘Father, something terrible‘s happened.‘
    His father glared.
    ‘I — I put some money on a horse, Father. And it lost.‘
    ‘Really, Randolph!‘ he snapped. ‘I cannot be expected to give attention to your minor misdemeanours at this very moment. For goodness sake, man! If you‘ve lost a few shillings on some bet, you‘ll have learnt your lesson - ‘
    ‘But it wasn‘t a few shillings, Father. It was - er, three hundred pounds. My scholarship for Cambridge from the Youth Morality Foundation,‘ he explained. ‘I wanted a car,‘ he amplified further, standing on one leg.
    ‘Three hundred pounds!‘ gasped Mr Nightrider. Even Ron looked impressed. ‘Your entire grant? Great heavens! What on earth put such wickedness in your mind?‘
    ‘Uncle Lancelot, actually.‘ Randolph stood on the other leg. ‘I had a chat with him this morning, and he gave me the name of his bookie.‘
    ‘Fit to travel, I think,‘ grunted the General, as the luncheon party appeared from the dining-room, bearing Anthony Waterfall like Hamlet‘s corpse.
    ‘Yes, yes! I‘ll get a taxi.‘ Mr Nightrider threw open the front door. On the steps were Hilda and Herbert, a policeman, a lady in a red hat, and a pair of Siamese cats.
    These your children?‘ asked the policeman.
    ‘Mine? Yes, of course they‘re mine. But what on earth—‘
    They stole my cats!‘ complained the woman loudly. ‘Stole them! Right under my very nose. Champions, they are, too. Extremely valuable, I‘ll have you know.‘
    Mr Nightrider glanced round in panic. ‘I‘m sure, madam, that some mistake — ‘
    ‘I‘ll have to take particulars, sir.‘ The policeman produced his notebook.
    ‘And they were being cruel to the poor darlings,‘ continued the woman. ‘There‘11 be other charges, mark my words,‘ she added with satisfaction. The RSPCA - ‘
    ‘But how on earth,‘ broke in the Bishop, still supporting Anthony Waterfall, ‘could respectable children like this possibly get the notion of stealing cats?‘
    ‘Uncle Lancelot,‘ explained Hilda, bursting into tears. ‘He told us this morning to help ourselves round the dustbins.‘
    ‘Good gracious, w hat‘s this, a revivalist meeting?‘ broke in Sir Lancelot jovially, advancing through the hall. ‘Good day, Mrs Conolly,‘ he added to his patient. ‘I‘m sure you‘ll have no trouble with it in future. Just go and see Dr Dinwiddie if you do. I will send my account later. Well, Geoff, you do seem to be busy. Why, you look like the end of an all-night sitting.‘
    ‘Lancelot — ‘ He swallowed. ‘I want a very serious word — ‘
    ‘My dear fellow, I can‘t possibly stop now. I must get to Lord‘s at once. Didn‘t you hear the lunch-time score? The game is in a most exciting stage. They‘re forty for four, and Jowler‘s got his tail up. With a hundred and