The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

opening remark for a witch. It concentrated people’s minds on what other things might be on this house.
    *
    Sometimes Magrat really wondered about the others’ commitment to witchcraft. Half the time they didn’t seem to bother.
    Take medicine, for example … Granny just gave people a bottle of coloured water and told them they felt a lot better.
    And what was so annoying was that they often did.
    Where was the witchcraft in that?
    *
    Granny Weatherwax waking up was quite an impressive sight, and one not seen by many people.
    Most people, on waking up, accelerate through a quick panicky pre-consciousness check-up: who am I, where am I, who is he/she, good god, why am I cuddling a policeman’s helmet, what happened last nightl
    And this is because people are riddled by Doubt.
    Granny Weatherwax went straight from fast asleep to instant operation on all six cylinders. She never needed to find herself because she always knew who was doing the looking.

    Vampires have risen from the dead,
    the grave and the crypt, but have never managed it from the cat.

    Nanny Ogg sent a number of cards home to her family, not a single oneof which got back before she did. This is traditional, and happens everywhere in the universe.
    *
    In a quiet little inn in a tiny country Granny Weatherwax sat and regarded the food with deep suspicion.
    ‘Good simple home cooking,’ said Granny. ‘That’s all I require. I just want simple food. Not all grease and stuff. It comes to something when you complain about something in your lettuce and it turns out to be what you ordered.’

    Knowing how stories work is almost all the battle .
    For example, when an obvious innocent sits down with three experienced card sharpers and says ‘How do you play this game, then?’, someone is about to be shaken down until their teeth fall out.

    The dwarf bread was brought out for inspection. But it was miraculous, the dwarf bread. No one ever went hungry when they had some dwarf bread to avoid. You only had to look at it for a moment, and instantly you could think of dozens of things you’d rather eat. Your boots, for example. Mountains. Raw sheep. Your own foot.
    *
    There were only six suits of chain mail in the whole of Lancre, made on the basis of one-size-doesn’t-quite-fit-all.
    *
    ‘When did you last have a bath, Esme?’
    ‘What do you mean, last? Baths is unhygienic,’ Granny declared. ‘You know I’ve never agreed with baths. Sittin’ around in your own dirt like that.’
    ‘What do you do, then?’ said Magrat.
    ‘I just washes,’ said Granny. ‘All the bits. You know. As and when they becomes available.’
    *
    Granny Weatherwax had never turned anyone into a frog. The way she saw it, there was a technically less cruel but cheaper and much more satisfying thing you could do. You could leave them human and make them think they were a frog, which also provided much innocent entertainment for passers-by.
    *
    ‘I don’t mind criticism,’ said Granny. ‘You know me. I’ve never been one to take offence at criticism. No one could say I’m the sort to take offence at criticism—’
    ‘Not twice, anyway’ said Nanny.
    *
    People like Nanny Ogg turn up everywhere. It’s as if there’s some special morphic generator dedicated to the production of old women who like a laugh and aren’t averse to the odd pint, especially of some drink normally sold in very small glasses. You find them all over the place, often in pairs. †
    *
    Nanny Ogg quite liked cooking, provided there were other people around to do things like chop up the vegetables and wash the dishes afterwards.
    *
    ‘That’s the trouble with second sight,’ Desiderata said. ‘You can see what’s happenin’, but you don’t know what it means. I’ve seen the future. There’s a coach made out of a pumpkin. And that’s impossible. And there’s coachmen made out of mice, which is unlikely. And there’s a clock striking midnight, and something about a glass slipper. And it’s all going to happen. Because that’s how stories have to work.’
    *
    But then Granny and Nanny have to try to stop the story from happening.
    ‘It’s no good, you know [said Lily Weatherwax]. You can’t stop this sort of thing. It has the momentum of inevitability. You can’t spoil a good story. I should know.’
    She handed the slipper to the Prince, but without taking her eyes off Granny.
    ‘It’ll fit her,’ she said.
    Two of the courtiers held Magrat’s leg as the Prince wrestled