600 Hours of Edward

they would like to participate in the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s Turkey Time fund-raiser.
    I have a script for this:
    “Hello, Mr./Mrs. _______________. This is (your name) from the Muscular Dystrophy Association ofMontana. I am calling to see if your business is interested in helping with our Turkey Time fund-raiser. Are you familiar with Turkey Time?”
    (If the answer is no, read the next paragraph. If yes, skip to the next paragraph.)
    “Turkey Time is a fund-raiser in which customers are asked if they would like to buy a turkey for one dollar to assist the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Customers who choose to buy a turkey get a paper turkey on which they can print their name, and the turkey is displayed at your place of business. The money generated goes to the Muscular Dystrophy Association in support of our range of programs for children afflicted with this terrible disease.
    “Are you interested in taking part in this fundraiser?”
    (If the answer is yes, proceed to the bottom and explain to the business how the program is administered. If the answer is no, read the next paragraph.)
    “I’m sorry to hear that. The program is very easy to administer, requires no up-front cost to you, and helps many, many children and their families deal with the effects of this terrible disease. Are you certain that you’re not willing to take part?”
    (If the answer is yes, politely thank the business for its time. If the business now expresses interest, read the last paragraph.)
    “We thank you so much for your participation. I will now ensure that I have the correct address for your business, and then we will send you a packet with the turkeys and an explanation of how to get the money back to us.”
    (Now verify mailing address and contact information before hanging up.)
    “Again, thanks so much for your time and your generosity to the Muscular Dystrophy Association of Montana. Good-bye.”
    This is going to be exhausting.
    – • –
    After showing me to a cubicle and teaching me how to use the hands-free headset, Sonya Starr asks me if I have ever seen the Turkey Time fund-raiser. She says she wants to hear from the “front lines” how recognizable the program is.
    “No,” I say.
    “It’s in all the grocery stores this time of year, as Thanksgiving approaches. Are you sure you haven’t seen the little paper turkeys at the checkout stands?”
    “I use the self-checkout stands. It’s easier not to talk to anyone.”
    Again, Sonya Starr isn’t smiling.
    – • –
    The calls are a disaster.
    First of all, I’m supposed to ask for the manager or owner. I rarely get that person. I get a lot of answers like, “He goes home at ten,” or “He won’t be in this week.” I get so many of these, in fact, that I soon regret that I’m not counting and classifying the answers I’m getting.
    Second of all, I get a lot of hang-ups. I’ll be halfway through my opening—“Hello, Mr. Business Owner, this is Edward Stanton with the Muscular…”—and I’ll hear, “We already gave,” and a click. This is frustrating.
    Third of all, I get a lot of dodges. People tell me that only the corporate office can approve things like the Turkey Time fundraiser, and so I ask for those numbers and fill up another sheet of paper with more numbers to call.
    Fourth of all, Sonya Starr’s preferred method of keeping track of the calls is terrible. She wants me to mark successful calls—as of noon, I have two of those—with a yellow highlighter. The calls that don’t connect with an owner or manager—as of noon, I have fourteen of those—take an asterisk so they can be called back. The ones that turn me down—as of noon, I have eighteen of those—are to be marked with a strike-through.
    If you ask me, which Sonya Starr did not, it would be better to mark the callbacks with a yellow highlighter and the successful calls with a green highlighter. (The strike-through, of course, makes perfect sense.) The reason is simple: Green means go (as in, these Turkey Time turkeys are ready to go), and yellow means wait (as in, you will have to wait and try these numbers again). Anybody who drives a car knows the value of these particular colors.
    At 12:30, Sonya Starr tells me I can go to lunch. There has been no coffee break.
    – • –
    At 1:29, I return from lunch and stop in at Sonya Starr’s office.
    “Yes, Mr. Stanton?”
    “I was wondering if I could change the way I mark the calls.”
    “Why?”
    “This