A Malazan Book of the Fallen Collection 3

Phosphorescence lit the foam. 'I am a
stranger to the Fourteenth Army,' she said.
    'Doubt it'll make a difference,' he said. 'What I did ain't
no secret to nobody.'
    'I have but recently returned to Seven Cities.' She
paused, then said, 'In any case, you are not alone with the
burden of things you once did.'
    He glanced over again. 'You're too young to be haunted
by your past.'
    'And you, soldier, are too old to care so much about your
own.'
    He barked a laugh, returned his attention to the sea.
    To the east clouds skidded from the face of the moon, yet
the light cast down was muted, dull.
    'Look at that,' he said. 'I got good eyes, but that moon's
nothing but a blur. Not the haze of cloud, neither. It's a
distant world, ain't it? Another realm, with other armies
crawling around in the fog, killing each other, draggin'
children into the streets, red swords flashing down over'n
over. And I bet they look up every now and then,
wonderin' at all the dust they kicked up, makin' it hard to
see that other world overhead.'
    'When I was a child,' Apsalar said, 'I believed that there
were cities there, but no wars. Just beautiful gardens, and
the flowers were ever in bloom, every season, day
and night, filling the air with wondrous scents ... you
know, I told all of that to someone, once. He later said to
me that he fell in love with me that night. With that story.
He was young, you see.'
    'And now he's just that emptiness in your eyes, Apsalar.'
    She flinched. 'If you are going to make observations like
that, I will know your name.'
    'But that would ruin it. Everything. Right now, I'm just
me, just a soldier like all the others. You find out who I am
and it all falls apart.' He grimaced, then spat down into the
sea. 'Very well. Nothing ever lasts, not even ignorance. My
name's Squint.'
    'I hate to puncture your ego – as tortured as it is – but no
vast revelation follows your name.'
    'Do you lie? No, I see you don't. Well, never expected
that, Apsalar.'
    'Nothing changes, then, does it? You know nothing of
me and I know nothing of you.'
    'I'd forgotten what that was like. That young man, what
happened to him?'
    'I don't know. I left him.'
    'You didn't love him?'
    She sighed. 'Squint, it's complicated. I've hinted at my
own past. The truth is, I loved him too much to see him fall
so far into my life, into what I was – and still am. He
deserves better.'
    'You damned fool, woman. Look at me. I'm alone. Once,
I wasn't in no hurry to change that. And then, one day I
woke up, and it was too late. Now, alone gives me my only
peace, but it ain't a pleasant peace. You two loved each
other – any idea how rare and precious that is? You broke
yourself and broke him too, I'd think. Listen to me – go find
him, Apsalar. Find him and hold onto him – now whose
ego tortures itself, eh? There you are, thinking that change
can only go one way.'
    Her heart was thudding hard. She was unable to speak,
every counter argument, every refutation seeming to melt
away. Sweat cooled on her skin.
    Squint turned away. 'Gods below, a real conversation.
All edges and life ... I'd forgotten. I'm going below – my
head's gone numb.' He paused. 'Don't suppose you'd ever
care to talk again? Just Squint and Apsalar, who ain't got
nothing in common except what they don't know about
each other.'
    She managed a nod, and said, 'I would ... welcome that,
Squint.'
    'Good.'
    She listened to his footsteps dwindle behind her. Poor
man. He did the right thing taking Coltaine's life, but he's the
only one who can't live with that.
     
    Climbing down into the hold, Squint stopped for a
moment, hands on the rope rails to either side of the steep
steps. He could have said more, he knew, but he had no
idea he'd slice so easily through her defences. That vulnerability
was ... unexpected.
    You'd think, wouldn't you, that someone who'd been possessed
    by a god would be tougher than that.
     
    'Apsalar.'
    She knew the voice and so did not turn. 'Hello,
Cotillion.'
    The god moved up to lean against the rail at her side. 'It
was not easy to find you.'
    'I am surprised. I am doing as you ask, after all.'
    'Into the heart of the Malazan Empire. That detail was
not something we had anticipated.'
    'Victims do not stand still, awaiting the knife.
Even unsuspecting, they are capable of changing
everything.'
    He said nothing for a time, and Apsalar could feel a
renewal of tension within her. In the muted moonlight his
face looked tired, and in his eyes as he looked at her,