Agatha Raisin and the Fairies of Fryham

‘Don’t touch anything,’ yelled Agatha. ‘We’ll need to phone the police. The painting was propped against one of the table legs.’
    ‘Just going to look at the back.’ Charles got down on all fours. The cats, thinking it was a game, weaved about him. He peered at the back of the picture. ‘There’s an envelope taped to the back of it. Wait a bit; it says, “Last Will and Testament of Terence Trumpington-James.”’
    ‘That’s Tolly.’
    ‘Yes, don’t you remember, it said in the papers his name was Terence. He probably thought it was upper-upper to give himself a stupid nickname like Tolly. Call the police, Aggie.’
    ‘Get some clothes on, for heaven’s sake.’
    Charles straightened up and went upstairs, as unselfconscious in his nudity as he was when he was dressed. Agatha phoned Framp, who said he would be round as soon as he had called headquarters.
    Agatha then phoned Lizzie’s number. The captain answered and kept demanding why Agatha wanted to speak to his wife and Agatha kept saying patiently that it was a church matter that only concerned Lizzie. At last the captain surrendered the phone to his wife.
    ‘The will’s turned up,’ said Agatha rapidly, ‘stuck on the back of the Stubbs. Yes, in our kitchen. I’m phoning to warn you that if that’s the will you were talking about, the police will be round to see you. They won’t think anything odd about Tolly leaving you the painting if he’s still left everything else to his wife. You can just say it was a friendly gesture.’
    ‘I’m tired of it all. I’m going to tell the police the truth.’
    ‘Here they are now,’ said Agatha, hearing the doorbell.
    She rang off. Charles came down the stairs, dressed, as Agatha opened the door.
    It was Hand, Carey and Framp. ‘I was round at Mrs Jackson’s when I got Framp’s call,’ said Hand. ‘Where is it?’
    ‘Where I found it.’ Agatha led the way into the kitchen. ‘The will is attached to the back of the painting.’
    ‘You didn’t touch anything?’
    ‘No,’ said Charles. ‘I crawled on my hands and knees under the table and had a look at the back.’
    ‘Your whole place will need to be gone over again,’ said Hand. ‘We’ll get the forensic boys over. Damn, I can’t wait to see what’s in that will, but I daren’t touch anything.’
    It was a long morning for Agatha and Charles. After they had made their statements, they sat watching television, while police and forensic men in boiler suits went over the whole kitchen. ‘I hate these British schlock TV shows,’ said Charles, stifling a yawn. ‘The American ones are bad enough, but the British ones take things a rung lower.’
    ‘They’re not so rock-bottom as the American ones,’ protested Agatha.
    ‘It’s just so un-British to wash all that dirty linen in public.’
    ‘Not any more, it isn’t. We’ve joined the touchy-feely races. I’m hungry,’ said Agatha. ‘I wonder how long they’re going to be. I mean, if they don’t want us, maybe they’ll let us go out for something. I didn’t tell you. I phoned Lizzie to warn her.’
    ‘Hope her husband doesn’t horsewhip her.’
    ‘He might. She’s going to bare her breast.’
    ‘I hope you warned her not to mention us.’
    ‘I didn’t.’
    ‘Then we’ll just need to pray she forgets about us or the wrath of Hand will descend on us. Wait here and I’ll ask if they need us.’
    He came back and said, ‘Hand’s on his way out with that will in a plastic envelope. Probably heading straight for Lizzie. The forensic people are going to be here for a few more hours, so we can go. But I would like to be a fly on the wall when Hand speaks to Lizzie!’
    ‘Lizzie!’ bellowed the captain. ‘Police!’
    He turned to Detective Chief Inspector Hand and Detective Sergeant Carey and said, ‘Can’t you tell me what all this is about? Come into the study.’
    They followed him in. The captain positioned himself behind his desk. Hand and Carey remained standing.
    There was a long silence and then they could hear Lizzie coming down the stairs. She walked into the study. She was wearing a smart red wool dress, and her hair was arranged in a soft style and her face was made up. The captain glowered at her. ‘What are you all dolled up like a tart for?’
    She ignored him and turned to the detectives. ‘You wished to see me?’
    Hand turned to the captain. ‘If we could see your wife alone . . .?’
    ‘Balderdash. There’s nothing you can say to