Big Breasts & Wipe Hips: A Novel

insisted on mating it with a horse. That horse of mine is a thoroughbred Japanese stallion. His hoof is bigger than your donkey’s head, and when he mounted your animal, she nearly crumpled under the weight. Like a rooster and a house sparrow. But he’s a good stud horse, so he just closed his eyes and humped away. If it’d been another horse, shit! See, the foal won’t come out. Your donkey isn’t made to have a mule. All she’s good for is producing donkeys, a scrawny donkey …”
    “Are you finished, Fan Three?” Shangguan Lü interrupted his monologue angrily.
    “Finished, yes, I’ve said what I wanted to say.” He picked up his leather bag, flung it over his shoulder, and, returning from half sober to completely drunk, stumbled toward the door.
    Shangguan Lü grabbed him by the arm. “You’re leaving?” she said.
    Fan Three smiled grimly. “Old sister-in-law,” he said, “haven’t you been listening to the Felicity Manor steward? The village is almost deserted. Who’s more important, that donkey or me?”
    “Three, you’re afraid I won’t make it worth your while, is that it? Well, you’ll get your two bottles of fine liquor and a fat pig’s head. And don’t forget, in this family, what I say goes.”
    Fan Three glanced at father and son. “I’m well aware of that,” he said with a smile. “You’re probably the only old woman anywhere in this country who’s a true blacksmith. The strength in that bare back of yours …” A strange smile creased his face.
    “Up your mother’s ass!” Shangguan Lü cursed as she thumped him on the back. “Don’t go, Three. We’re talking about not just one, but two lives here. That stud horse is your son, which makes this donkey your daughter-in-law, and the mule in her belly your grandson. Do what you can. If the mule lives, I’ll thank you
and
reward you. If it dies, I’ll blame my own meager fate, not you.”
    “You’ve gone and made these four-legged creatures my family,” Fan Three said unhappily, “so what can I say? I’ll see if I can bring this half-dead donkey back to the land of the living.”
    “That’s right, why listen to the ravings of that crazy Sima? What would the Japanese want with a backwater village like ours? Besides, by doing this, you’ll be storing up virtues, and the ghosts always steer clear of the virtuous.”
    Fan Three opened his bag and took out a bottle filled with an oily green liquid. “This is a secret family tonic, handed down for generations. It works miraculously on breech births and other obstetric irregularities in animals. If this doesn’t do it, even the magical Monkey couldn’t bring that animal into the world. Sir,” he summoned Shangguan Shouxi, “come over here and lend a hand.”
    “I’ll do it,” Shangguan Lü said. “He’s a clumsy oaf.”
    Fan Three said, “The Shangguan hen goes and blames the rooster for not laying eggs.”
    “If you have to insult someone, Third Younger Brother,” Shangguan Fulu said, “do it to my face, and don’t beat around the bush.”
    “Is that anger I hear?” Fan Three asked.
    “This is no time to bicker,” Shangguan Lü said. “What shall I do?”
    “Raise the donkey’s head,” he said. “I’m going to give it the tonic.”
    Shangguan Lü spread her legs, mustered her strength, and picked up the donkey’s head. The animal stirred; bursts of air snorted from its nostrils.
    “Higher!” Fan Three said.
    She strained to lift it higher; bursts of air were now snorting from her nostrils, too.
    “Are you two dead or alive?” Fan Three complained.
    The two Shangguan men rushed up to help, and nearly tripped over the donkey’s legs. Shangguan Lü rolled her eyes; Fan Three shook his head. Finally, they got the donkey’s head up high enough. It curled its lips back and showed its teeth. Fan Three stuck a funnel made of an ox horn into the animal’s mouth and emptied the contents of the bottle into it. “That’ll do it,” Fan said. “You can lower its head.”
    As Shangguan Lü tried to catch her breath, Fan Three took out his pipe, filled it, and hunkered down to smoke. Two streams of white smoke quickly exited through his nostrils. “The Japanese took the county town and murdered the county chief, Zhang Weihan, then raped all the women in his family.”
    “Did you hear that from the Simas?” Shangguan Lü asked him.
    “No, my sworn brother told me. He lives near Eastgate in the county seat.”
    Shangguan Lü said, “The truth