Blood on My Hands

another’s boyfriend. But he doesn’t know Dakota. Then again, a week ago I might have argued the same thing, and I do know her. It’s just that you learn things and start to put together the pieces and that’s when the seemingly impossible begins to look possible.
    “Listen …,” he begins.
    “I know what you’re going to say, Slade,” I say, cutting him short. “And—”
    “No, you don’t.” He cuts me short. “The police came to my house. They interviewed me for a long time. I had to tell them we talked, Cal.”
    It’s another unexpected jolt, but I know immediately that I shouldn’t be surprised.
    “They interviewed you about me?”
    “Not just you. Everything.” He looks down at our muddy feet. “Almost made me feel like they thought I was a suspect.”
    “You think they do that just to make sure you’re telling the truth?” I ask.
    He shrugs and shakes his head. My mood begins to plummet again. They were bound to get to him sooner or later. It feels like the police are getting closer and closer. I must be crazy to think I can skulk around this town, trying to prove that Dakota killed Katherine, when everyone’s looking for me.
    *  *  *
    I’d never hung up on Slade before. I sat there, feeling a crazy storm of emotions rage inside me. Anger, relief, guilt, resentment. Was I facing a choice? Tedium with Slade or fun with Katherine? Security or uncertainty?
    The phone rang again. “Hi,” I said.
    “I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re right. It’s not fair to dump all this on you.”
    “I shouldn’t have hung up on you,” I said.
    “I love you, Cal.”
    “I love you, Slade.” I believed it in my head, but it wasn’t what I was feeling in my heart.

Chapter 25
    Monday 6:22 P.M.
    I SUDDENLY REALIZE that there are no more cheers coming from the soccer field. It’s now nearly dark and the game must be over. Slade glances over his shoulder. “I have to get back.”
    “Okay.” I hate to see him go, but Alyssa must be wondering where he is.
    He doesn’t leave me just yet. “Still think you can prove Dakota did it?”
    “I don’t know, but what other choice do I have?”
    He nods. “Okay.” Then he’s gone, and once again I’m all alone.
    By the time it’s dark enough for me to leave the marsh, my teeth are chattering and my wet feet feel numb. I walk down a quiet street and pass houses with windows lit, houses in which I know families are gathering around kitchen tables for dinner even if I can’t see them.
    “The higher-ups say the reason we’re there is to bring those people freedom. But just about every guy who’s been over there says the same thing: the people don’t want us there to help them be free. They don’t want us there, period.”
    “I know. It’s a terrible situation.”
    “I just don’t see the point in it.”
    “I wish I could help you.”
    Sometimes I wondered if Mia was only interested in me because she wanted to know why Katherine seemed to favor me over her.
Mia: Did U ask Y she didnt invite me 2 the city?
Cal: Told U I cant ask things like that
Mia: It really bothers me
Cal: Y not just make other friends?
Mia: Know what Groucho Marx once said?
Cal: ???
Mia: Hed never join a club that would let a person like him be a member .
Cal: LOL?
Mia: Like, we only want what we cant have .
Cal: But shes so mean 2 U .
Mia: Things change .
    At Umbrella Point I use Slade’s penlight to search around under the umbrella until I find the note I knew my mother would leave for me.
You have to go to the police. Hiding from them just makes you look guilty. Please, Callie. We’ll find a way to get a lawyer. We’ll prove you’re innocent. Where are you staying? What are you eating? I’m so worried about you. Please, honey, do the right thing.
Love, Mom           
    It’s what you’d expect from a mother. I leave an answer, this one saying I’m okay but I can’t do what she’s asked and someday I’ll explain why.
    And now it’s time to go see Jerry.
    “This is the perfect time to dump him,” Katherine said one day last summer when a bunch of us were in the Apple Store at the mall.
    “Why?” I asked, amazed at her nerve.
    “Because he isn’t here,” she said as if it were obvious. “You don’t have to worry about him making a big scene. If you do it now, by the time he gets back, he’ll be over it.”
    By the time he gets back … Those words echoed eerily in my head. So Katherine remembered the night I confessed my secret fear