Cheaper by the Dozen

Burton said he would start with Anne and go right down the ladder, through Ernestine, Frank, Bill and Lillian.
    Martha alone of the older children didn't need to have her tonsils out, the doctor said, and the children younger than Lillian could wait awhile.
    The night before the mass operation, Martha was told she would sleep at the house of Dad's oldest sister, Aunt Anne.
    "I don't want you underfoot," Dad informed her. "The children who are going to have their tonsils out won't be able to have any supper tonight or breakfast in the morning. I don't want you around to lord it over them."
    Martha hadn't forgotten how we neglected her when she finally came down with the measles. She lorded it over us plenty before she finally departed.
    "Aunt Anne always had apple pie for breakfast," she said, which we all knew to be perfectly true, except that sometimes it was blueberry instead of apple. "She keeps a jar of doughnuts in the pantry and she likes children to eat them." This, too, was unfortunately no more than the simple truth. 'Tomorrow morning, when you are awaiting the knife, I will be thinking of you. I shall try, if I am not too full, to dedicate a doughnut to each of you."
    She rubbed her stomach with a circular motion, and puffed out her cheeks horribly as if she were chewing on a whole doughnut. She opened an imaginary doughnut jar and helped herself to another, which she rammed into her mouth.
    "My goodness, Aunt Anne," she said, pretending that that lady was in the room, "those doughnuts are even more delicious than usual."..."Well, why don't you have another, Martha?"..."Thanks, Aunt Anne, I believe I will."..."Why don't you take two or three, Martha?"..."I'm so full of apple pie I don't know whether I could eat two more, Aunt Anne. But since it makes you happy to have people eat your cooking, I will do my best."
    "Hope you choke, Martha, dear," we told her.
    The next morning, the five of us selected to give our tonsils for motion study assembled in the parlor. As Martha had predicted, our stomachs were empty. They growled and rumbled. We could hear beds being moved around upstairs, and we knew the wards were being set up again. In the laboratory, which adjoined the parlor, Dad, his movie cameraman, a nurse, and Dr. Burton were converting a desk into an operating table, and setting up the cross-section background and lights.
    Dad came into the parlor, dressed like an Alp again. "All right, Anne, come on." He thumped her on the back and smiled at the rest of us. "There's nothing to it. It will be over in just a few minutes. And think of the fun we'll have looking at the movies and seeing how each of you looks when he's asleep."
    As he and Anne went out, we could see that his hands were trembling. Sweat was beginning to pop through his white robe. Mother came in and sat with us. Dad had wanted her to watch the operations, but she said she couldn't. After awhile we heard Dad and a nurse walking heavily up the front stairs, and we knew Anne's operation was over and she was being carried to bed.
    "I know I'm next, and I won't say I'm not scared," Ernestine confided. "But I'm so hungry all I can think of is Martha and that pie. The lucky dog."
    "And doughnuts," said Bill. "The lucky dog."
    "Can we have pie and doughnuts after our operations?" Lill asked Mother.
    "If you want them," said Mother, who had had her tonsils out.
    Dad came into the room. His robe was dripping sweat now.
    It looked as if a spring thaw had come to the Alps.
    "Nothing to it," he said. "And I know we got some great movies. Anne slept just like a baby. All right, Ernestine, girl. You're next; let's go."
    "I'm not hungry any more," she said. "Now I'm just scared."
    A nurse put a napkin saturated with ether over Ern's nose. The last thing she remembered was Mr. Coggin, Dad's photographer, grinding away at the camera. "He should be cranking at two revolutions a second," she thought. "I'll count and see if he is. And one and two and three and four. That's the way Dad says to count seconds. You have to put the 'and' in between the numbers to count at the right speed. And one and two and three..." She fell asleep.
    Dr. Burton peered into her mouth.
    "My God, Gilbreth," he said. "I told you I didn't want Martha."
    "You haven't got Martha," Dad said. "That's Ernestine."
    "Are you sure?"
    "Of course I'm sure, you jackass. Don't you think I know my own children?"
    "You must be mistaken," Dr. Burton insisted. "Look at her carefully. There, now, isn't