Coda 01 - Promises

now?”
    He almost smiled. “Yes.”
    I went to him, put my arms around him, and kissed him, just barely. “Matt, this is what I want. I do want you here with me. It’s not just about sex. I’m crazy about you, and there’s nothing I want more than for us to be together.”
    He looked relieved but still did not reach for me. “Jared, I don’t want to fight anymore. We need to decide now how we’re going to handle this.”
    I took a deep breath. This was the part I wasn’t sure about. “Okay.”
    “I know you’re embarrassed—”
“Not of you.”
    He ignored my interruption. “And I understand, to a certain extent. But, I think you’re going about it wrong, trying to hide it. We can spend our lives holed up here in this house, trying to pretend like we’re not together, but in a town this small, people will still know. And they will talk. And it seems to me that acting like criminals will only give them more to gossip about. I’m not saying it’s easy for me either, Jared, but I don’t want to hide anymore. I will not spend the rest of my life being ashamed of my love for you.”
    That was the first time he had ever used that word, and I was stunned into silence. Only a few minutes ago, I had been sure that he was leaving me, and now he was actually saying that he loved me.
    “Jared, please say something.”
My voice was shaking as I asked, “You really love me?”
    He put one hand in my hair and pulled me closer, smiling and shaking his head at me. “Do you really have to ask?”
    Some knot in my chest that I hadn’t quite realized still existed loosened up and was gone. He loved me, and he really was happy with me, despite everything that it cost him with his coworkers. Was it really so much to ask for me to try to make it easier? I was causing all of these arguments, but why? Because I was too proud to face his coworkers? It occurred to me how proud I should be that he wanted me with him. I closed my eyes and concentrated on not allowing myself to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t stop my breath from shaking.
    “What is it, Jared?” His voice was so gentle. “Talk to me.”
    “You were right—I am scared. But….” I opened my eyes again and looked into his. “I don’t want to fight anymore either. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”
    He smiled again and then kissed me gently. “Will you go riding with me tomorrow?”
    That simple request surprised me. “Of course.”
“Two of the guys from the station will be there.”
“Oh.”
“But you’ll go?”
This was it. I couldn’t turn back now. “If you want me to.” “Will you go to the party with me on Saturday?”
My pulse raced, and I felt butterflies in my stomach just
    thinking about it. “I will. I’ll hate it, but I’ll go if that’s what you want.”
    “It is.” He tightened his arm around me and kissed me again, and then the hand in my hair pulled a little, like I knew it would, angling my head to the side so he could kiss my cheek, then my jaw, and then my neck. His voice was low and full of a promise that made my knees go weak as his lips brushed my ear. “Will you come in the bedroom with me?”
    I laughed with relief. “God, yes. Happily.”
    He led me to the bedroom and slowly, slowly, undressed me, kissing me everywhere. He took nothing for himself, gently turning away all of my efforts to please him, and used his hands and his mouth on me, teasing me into the most amazing orgasm I had experienced in a long time. And afterward, he kissed me gently, held me tight against him, and whispered in my ear, “I do love you, Jared. It frightens me sometimes how much I love you.”
    I could not stop the tears this time and was relieved that it was dark in the bedroom, so he couldn’t see them. I put my arms around him. “Matt—”
    He silenced me with a finger on my lips. “Shh.” He wrapped himself around me, chest to chest, legs tangled together, one hand moving through my hair. He kissed my forehead. “No more talking, Jared. Just let me hold you.”
    Any doubts I might have had were gone. He loved me. Nothing else mattered.

    T HE next day, just after lunch, we loaded our bikes onto the Jeep and headed for the trailhead. I was leaning against the window, watching the trees fly past, trying to steady my nerves and convince myself that I didn’t really need to throw up. I hated myself for being so nervous.
    “Are you okay over there?” Matt asked lightly.
    “No. I’m trying to remember why I