Coda 01 - Promises

haven’t noticed that suddenly we can’t even go out to eat anymore? Sure, you’re fine with being gay, but only because you live your life in a fucking bubble! As soon as it comes down to actually facing people, you bury your head in the sand.”
    “That’s not fair!”
    “ Fair ? Do you have any idea what I put up with at work for you? Have you ever even thought about it? Do you think that’s ‘fair’? I ask you to make just a little bit of an effort for me, and you won’t even consider it. And you have the nerve to talk to me about ‘fair’? You said this was what you wanted, but now you’re the one who can’t face it!”
    “Wait—” I was backpedaling now.
    But he ignored me and kept talking. “And now this job! I’ve seen you with those kids. I know how much you love teaching them. But you’re going to pass up a chance to teach full time just so you can avoid having to deal with a few bigoted parents or a few asshole teenagers. You’re going to keep working at that shop for the rest of your life, just so you don’t have to face the rest of the world. You can tell yourself that it’s because you have to. That it’s because your family needs you to. But it’s bullshit, Jared! The real reason you won’t consider it is because you’re scared.”
    “Are you done?” I asked icily.
    “Yeah. I’m definitely done with this whole fucked-up situation.” He turned and walked out, and I heard the front door slam.
    Lizzy jumped up and threw a roll at my head. Her aim was impeccable. “Asshole!” She ran after Matt.
    Only Mom and I were left. I put my head in my hands on the table. I was shaking, terrified that his last statement meant he was leaving me for good. I wanted to chase after him, but then what? I couldn’t do what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t bear to lose him either. I was still pissed, but I was also fighting hard to keep from bursting into tears.
    Mom was quiet for a long time, but I knew she would say something eventually. If she didn’t have something to say, she would have left the table already. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, “Jared, let me say two things, and then I’ll never mention this ugly incident again.”
    “Do I have a choice?”
    “No, you don’t. The first is this: you can’t control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can’t do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else.
    “The second is this: I know being in a committed relationship is new for you. But trust me on this: you can’t just pick tiny pieces of yourself to share, and keep the rest to yourself. It doesn’t work that way. It’s all or nothing.
    “Third—”
“You said there were only two things.”
    “I lied. The third thing is simply this.” She put her hand on my shoulder, and that gentle touch made me lose my battle to keep the tears back. I let them come and was childishly relieved that only my mother was there to see it. Her voice was soft when she continued. “That boy loves you. Don’t be such a pigheaded fool that you can’t see it.”
    She kissed me on the back of my head and left.
    Lizzy gave me a ride home in stony silence. I had no idea what had passed between her and Matt after she followed him out of the dining room. I only knew that she came back hurt and angry and he didn’t come back at all. She parked in front of my house, but when I started to get out, she finally broke the silence.
    “Why didn’t you tell me?”

    I rested my forehead against the cool glass of the window. I couldn’t look at her. “I don’t know.”
    “I thought we were friends.”
“We are, Lizzy.”
    “Really?” She sniffled a little, and when I looked over, there were tears on her face. I couldn’t remember ever feeling like such an ass.
    “Yes, Lizzy.” I reached over and took her hand. “You know I love you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I know that’s a ridiculously lame answer, but it’s true. I just didn’t want anybody to know. The thought of taking that job ties my stomach in knots, and I can’t really explain why. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just scared.” Now that I had said it, I had to really examine it and I didn’t like what I saw.
    She was quiet for a minute but finally said, “Jared, don’t worry about the shop. We’ll figure something