Covet Thy Neighbor

Seth—invalidates everything that happened to you?”
    “I . . .”
    I didn’t have an answer.

    Jason’s comments stuck as I walked home from Lights Out an hour and two beers later. I couldn’t decide if what he’d said made me feel guiltier about my aversion to people like Darren, or if it had pissed me off because he’d hit the nail on the head and now I knew why last night had bothered me all day.
    Maybe Darren’s identity and his self-acceptance did invalidate what had happened to me. After all, he’s been so dismissive of the idea that homosexuality was a sin. Or that there was anything wrong with what we’d done. It seemed so fucking easy for him to blow off things that other preachers taught with fire and brimstone in their eyes. How could he so easily ignore the very thing my family and church had used to excommunicate me? What did he mean it was up for debate, or that it wasn’t such a big deal? I’d lost my entire goddamned family over it. That shit had better be written in blood and carved in stone for everything it had cost me.
    Way too much to think about after nothing more than a one-night stand.
    At my front door, I pulled out my keys. Right then, a door opened behind me, the sound simultaneously kicking my heartbeat into overdrive and making me cringe.
    “Hey.” His tone was guarded.
    “Hey.” I turned around, ready to force a smile and try to get through the awkwardness.
    It was funny how the morning light could turn a night of scorching sex into searing hot guilt, but seeing him now had a completely different effect. I’d spent all damned day thinking and fuming and wondering what the fuck had happened and was happening, but it was near impossible to reconcile the smoking hot guy in front of me with the one I’d been biting my nails about. After being away from him, my senses had had a chance to forget about his smile and those disarming eyes.
    Hey, Seth? my senses decided to tell me right now. Your neighbor’s fucking hot.
    He slid his hands into his pockets. “Um, so, this morning was a little more awkward than I thought it would be.”
    “Yeah.” I gulped. “I . . . sorry about that.”
    Darren shrugged. “Isn’t your fault. I just figured we should clear the air and all.”
    “Right. Good idea.” I tried not to let my nerves show.
    He gestured at his door. “I know it’s pretty late, but it you want to come in, I’ve got a six-pack in the fridge.”
    Lead me not into temptation . . .
    Calling on every bit of restraint I possessed—and that wasn’t much—I said, “Maybe we should hold off on the beers, actually.” I probably don’t need any more tonight. “I mean, until we’ve had a chance to talk.”
    He exhaled. “Good idea.”
    And of course, as it always did when two people desperately needed to talk, silence fell. We didn’t look at each other. Neither of us said a word for a good minute.
    “For what it’s worth,” he finally said, “I don’t regret it.”
    I should’ve found some relief in that. Maybe it wasn’t such a huge mistake after all. But my gut disagreed.
    Darren’s brow creased. “I get the feeling you do?” He drew back a little like he was bracing for whatever I’d say.
    “I don’t know if I regret it, but . . .” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Listen, it’s not . . .”
    “It’s not me, it’s you?” he asked with a cautious grin.
    I managed a soft laugh. “No. Well, I mean, sort of. Probably the timing more than anything.” Good enough excuse as any.
    “What do you mean?”
    “Basically, I guess I’m just not in a good place to be getting involved with anyone right now.” Yep. That worked. Run with it.
    Was that disappointment in his expression? Hard to tell, especially when he shrugged it away like it was nothing. “Don’t worry about it. I mean, we have to live next door to each other, so I don’t want things to be awkward.”
    “Yeah. Neither do I.”
    “Well, hey, if you change your mind, you know where to find me.” He smiled, and now I was sure that had been disappointment a moment ago.
    Damn it, didn’t anything make this guy mad? Did he have to be so motherfucking easygoing about everything ? Totally fine with associating with— sleeping with —an atheist. Not even batting an eye at me turning him down for a rematch. Standing there so calmly and rationally, not to mention being all brazenly gorgeous and totally throwing me off-balance, he obviously had no idea how difficult he was making it for