Cutler 01 - Dawn

do for you right now?"
    I shook my head. "Thank you," I said and stood up.
    "It's a blessing, a miracle that you have been returned to us," he said. Then he rose from his chair and came around his desk to walk me to the door.
    "Oh. Philip told me how well you play the piano," he said.
    "I just started to learn. I'm not that good."
    "Still, it would be nice if you came up and played something for Laura Sue and me on the piano."
    I was just getting ready to answer him when he looked back down at his desk and said, "I'm sorry, I'm just so busy. Soon I'll spend lots of time with you."
    Busy with what, I wondered, stapling papers? Why didn't he have a secretary do that? "Everything will be fine. Just give it time," he advised and opened the door for me.
    "Thank you," I said.
    And then he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. It was a tentative, quick peck. He squeezed my hand in his, too, and then he closed the door between us quickly as if he were afraid someone would see that he had kissed me and spoken with me.
    His bizarre manner, my grandmother's unexpected harshness, my mother's strange infirmities, all left me in a daze, floundering in despair. How was I ever going to swim in this new ocean of turmoil and confusion?
    And who would be my raft and keep me afloat now?

 
    11
BETRAYED
     
    At first I wasn't going to wear any of Clara Sue's hand-me-downs, but I wanted to look pretty again and feel like a girl instead of a tired, haggard maid. I expected Philip might come looking for me to take me for a walk through the hotel as soon as he finished his work in the-dining room; so after dinner I returned to my room and tried on different blouse and skirt combinations, finally settling on a light blue, short-sleeved cotton blouse with pearl buttons and a dark blue pleated skirt. There was a pair of pretty white flat-heeled shoes in the bag. They had some slight smudges on the sides, but other than that, they looked nearly new.
    Then I unpinned my hair and brushed it down. It really had to be washed and trimmed; there were a lot of split ends. I thought about Clara Sue going to a beautician, having all the brand-new clothes she wanted whenever she wanted them, and always being treated as though she were someone special. Would Grandmother Cutler eventually accept me and treat me the same way? I couldn't help imagining myself going to a beautician and wearing a new dress. I, too, would rather be working behind the reception desk than cleaning rooms.
    I decided to tie a ribbon under my hair to lift it in the back. Momma used to say I shouldn't cover my ears. I could hear her even now. "You got beautiful ears, baby. Let the world see 'em." It brought a smile to my face, recalling. My eyes brightened. I was glad that Philip's arrival had made me long to be pretty again. It was good to have something to look forward to and not live in a dismal dark state all the time.
    Even after getting into nice clothes and brushing my hair, however, I thought I still looked pale and sickly. My eyelids drooped and the brightness that had once radiated down from my light hair and warmed my smile had been dulled by sorrow, pain, and torment. All the expensive clothing, even a professional beautician, couldn't make the outside cheerful, if the inside was still melancholy, I thought. I pinched my cheeks as Momma used to pinch her own sometimes to make them look rosy.
    When I looked at myself in the mirrors now, however, I suddenly wondered why I was doing all this. Philip wasn't my boyfriend anymore. Why did it matter how pretty I looked? Why was it still so important to please him? If anything, I was playing with forbidden fire. Just then I heard footsteps in the corridor. I went to the door and peered out, surprised to see someone in a staff uniform approaching.
    "Your father asked me to have you come upstairs to your parents' rooms and play the piano for your mother." With that the short clerk hurried away. Well, I thought, being commanded to appear before them and perform isn't the loving attention I've been hoping for, but it's a start. Maybe by the end of the summer we'd be a close family, I hoped as I wandered through the hotel toward the section where the rest of my family lived.
    I found Philip and Clara Sue at our mother's bedside, sitting in chairs they had brought up close. My mother was propped up against two large fluffy pillows. She had unpinned her hair, and it lay softly over her petite shoulders. She wore a gold nightie under