Cutler 05 - Darkest Hour

her books who deliberately sought out ways to reveal and make the most of it. She wore undergarments that would lift and squeeze her breasts, "making them bulge and their cleavages deepen." The very thought of such a thing made my heart pound.
    "The men talked about her behind her back and called her a tease," Mamma said. "You have to be careful from now on, Lillian, that you don't do anything to lead men to believe you're anything like that sort. Those are loose women who never win the respect of a decent man."
    Suddenly, things that seemed so ordinary and insignificant took on new meaning and danger, and Emily assumed a new responsibility, even though I was sure no one had asked her to do so. She as much as told me so on the way to school one morning.
    "Now that you've had your time," she declared, "I'm sure you'll do something to bring shame to our family. I'll be watching you."
    "I will not shame our family," I snapped back. Another subtle change that had come over me was a greater sense of self-confidence. It was as if a wave of maturity had passed over me and left me years older than I had been. Emily wasn't going to terrify me anymore, I thought. But she simply smiled in that self-assured, arrogant way.
    "Yes you will," she predicted. "The evil that's in you will take form every way and every chance it gets." She spun around and walked on in her usual self-righteous manner.
    Of course, I understood that I was under a new spotlight, my every move, my every word judged and evaluated. I had to be sure that each and every button on my blouse was fastened securely. If I stood too closely to a boy, Emily's eyes widened with interest and followed my every gesture. She was just waiting to pounce, to see an arm graze an arm, a shoulder touch, or, God forbid, my bosom brush against some part of a boy's body, even accidentally in passing. Hardly a day ended without her accusing me of flirting. In her eyes, I either smiled too much or turned my shoulders too suggestively.
    "It's a simple, easy step for you to go from being a Jonah to a Jezebel," she declared.
    "It is not," I retorted, not even sure what she meant. But that night at dinner, she opened the Bible and chose her passage from I Kings. With her eyes fixed on me as furiously as always, she read.
    " 'And it came to pass, as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jerobo-am the son of Ne-bat, that he took to wife Jez-e-bel, the daughter of Eth-ba-al king of the Zi-do-ni-ans, and went and served Ba-al, and worshipped him.' "
    When she was finished reading, I caught Papa looking at me in a strange way again, only this time he looked like he was thinking Emily might be right, I might be the daughter of evil. I became very self-conscious and shifted my eyes away quickly.
    With Emily hovering over me like a hawk about to leap, I found myself torn between the feelings that grew and developed, feelings that made me want to be with boys, especially Niles, and feelings of guilt. If Niles had liked my smile before, he seemed to be hypnotized by me now. I don't think I ever turned around in class without finding him gazing at me, his dark eyes soft and full of interest. I felt myself blush all over, the tingle that rested constantly just under my breasts spiraling turbulently through my stomach and down through my thighs. I thought everyone could see my feelings on my face for sure, and hid my eyes quickly after checking first to be sure Emily wasn't watching. Almost always, she was.
    Now, on our walks home from school, Emily always lingered behind so as to walk behind Niles and me and not ahead. The twins complained about her slow gait, but Emily ignored them or told them to just go on ahead. Of course, Niles felt Emily's eyes, too, and understood that he had to keep a respectable gap between us. If we exchanged books or papers, we had to be sure our fingers didn't touch in front of Emily.
    One afternoon that spring, however, we were granted a respite from Emily's watchful eyes. Miss Walker asked her to remain after school to help her with some paperwork. Emily enjoyed the added responsibility and the sense of power and authority it gave her, so she quickly agreed.
    "Be sure you go right home," she warned me at the door. She looked at Niles and the twins who waited for me. "And be sure you do nothing to bring shame to the Booths."
    "I'm a Booth, too," I spit back at her. She smirked and turned away.
    I was in a rage most of the walk home. The twins, in