Cutler 05 - Darkest Hour

as loudly as I would had I been there. My tears flowed as I recited the Lord's Prayer. Then I rose to embrace the burdens of my new life willingly, ironically finding some relief in self-degradation and pain. The harsher Emily spoke to me and treated me, the better I felt. I no longer resented her. I realized there was a place in this world for the Emilies and I didn't run to Mamma for help or sympathy.
    Anyway, Mamma had only a vague understanding of what had occurred because she had never realized how close Niles and I had become. She heard the details of the terrible accident and heard Emily's version of what led up to it and what followed, but like anything else that she saw as unpleasant, she was quick to ignore or forget it. Mamma was like a vessel that had already been filled with sadness and tragedy to the brim and could take in not a drop more.
    Occasionally she commented about my clothing or my hair, and on her more lucid days wondered why I wasn't going to school, but as soon as I began to explain, she turned herself off or changed the subject.
    Vera and Tottie were always trying to get me to eat more or do some of the nice things I used to do. It saddened them, as well as the other house servants and laborers, that I had accepted my fate so willingly. But when I thought about all the people who loved me and whom I loved and what had happened to them all—from my real mother and father to Eugenia to Niles—I could do nothing but accept my punishments and seek my salvation, just as Emily and Papa had prescribed.
    Every morning, I rose early enough to go to Emily's room and take out her chamberpot. I washed and returned it before she had even stirred. Then she would sit up and I would bring the basin of warm water and a cloth and wash her feet. After I had dried them and after she had put on her dress, I would kneel beside her in the corner of her room and repeat the prayers she dictated. Then we would go down to breakfast and either Emily or I would read the Biblical passages she had chosen. I obeyed Papa and never spoke unless spoken to. Usually that meant a simple yes or no reply.
    On the mornings when Mamma joined us, it was harder to keep to the commandments. Mamma often lost herself in some past experience and described it to me just the way she had years and years ago, expecting me to comment and laugh the same way. I would shift my eyes to Papa to see if he would permit my responses. Sometimes he nodded and I did, and sometimes he scowled and I kept still.
    I was permitted to take my Bible and go out for an hour to walk over the fields and recite prayers. Emily timed me to the minute and called me back when my hour was up. I wasn't given many menial chores. My penance had to be related to burdens that would cleanse my soul. I think Papa and Emily realized that the household servants and the laborers would have done the work for me anyway. I had to tend to my own room, of course, and do things for Emily occasionally, but most of my time was to be spent in religious study.
    One afternoon, weeks after Niles's death, Miss Walker came to The Meadows to see about me. Tottie, who was cleaning just outside the office door, overheard the conversation and came up to my room to tell me.
    "Your schoolteacher lady was here seeing about you," she announced with excitement. She made sure it was safe to come into my room and then entered, closing the door softly behind her. "She wanted to know where you been, Miss Lillian. She told your papa that you were her best student and that you not being in school was a sin.
    "The Captain, he was mad about what she said. I could hear it in his voice. You know how he gets to sounding like a shovel full of gravel, and he told her that you are being schooled at home from now on and your religious education is first and foremost.
    "But Miss Walker, she told him it's not right and that she's gonna complain to the authorities about him. He got real mad then and said he'd have her job if she so much as made a peep. He told her she can't threaten him. 'Don't you know who I am?' he shouted. 'I'm Jed Booth. This plantation is one of the most important ones in the county.'
    "Well, she didn't back down one bit. She repeated that she was gonna complain and he asked her to leave.
    "What do you think of that?" Tottie asked me. I shook my head sadly, sighing. "What's wrong, Miss Lillian? Ain't you happy about it?"
    "Papa will get her fired for sure," I said. "She's just another person who