Doctor at Sea

disappeared into his mouth like a rush-hour crowd going down an escalator.
    We continued eating in silence.
    Captain Hogg finished his chops and brought his knife and fork together with a flourish.
    ‘Mr Whimble,’ he said.
    ‘Sir!’
    The Chief Steward jumped, and choked over a chop bone.
    ‘I have, I suppose, tasted worse chops than these. In a fifth-rate café on the Mexican coast possibly. Why don’t you throw the cook over the side? If he’d served filth like this to the Captain when I was an apprentice the fellow would have had his bottom kicked round the deck.’
    ‘I’m sorry, Captain,’ Whimble mumbled.’ I’ll see to it.’
    ‘I should think so. You never get cooking like you used to. All they think about these days are vitamins and calories, and such stuff. What good’s that to a man? Fad, that’s all it is. You don’t need vitamins or calories,’ he said with disgust.’ Eh, Doctor?’
    ‘Well, they are really two quite different factors. And vitamins are terribly important.’
    ‘Bosh! I’m not a doctor - I don’t pretend to be. But if you get a good bellyful of meat and spuds every day you’ll be all right.’
    ‘You must have vitamins,’ I insisted, but feebly.
    ‘Vitamins are bosh, Doctor. Bosh!’
    I began to see that opinions were forbidden, even professional ones. Our mealtimes were going to be rollicking.

4

    THE next morning after breakfast I went to my cabin, wedged myself on the settee, and again opened War and Peace at page one. I had not felt well enough to start the book since we sailed, but now I looked forward to a leisurely stroll through its pages during the rest of the voyage. I had almost reached the end of the first paragraph when a conversation started in the alleyway outside my cabin door.
    The door was on a hook for ventilation, so I was able to overhear it clearly. There were two speakers, who used the adenoidal grunts with which the citizens of Liverpool communicate with each other.
    ‘Ullo,’ said one.’ Whatcher doin’, la’?’
    ‘Come to see —ing quack.’
    ‘Ar. What’s —ing trouble, la’?’
    ‘Dunno. Reckon I must’ve picked up a —ing dose, or something.’
    ‘Where, in Liverpeule?’
    ‘
    ‘Sright. Nice bit of skirt she was too.’
    ‘You can never tell, la’.’
    ‘—ing right there.’
    A short silence.
    ‘What’s quack like?’
    ‘Oh, he’s a young —er.’
    ‘Reckon he’s much good?’
    ‘—ing medical student, most likely.’
    ‘If we was homeward bound reckon I’d wait and see a proper doctor,’ the sufferer said. I opened the door.
    ‘Good morning, Doc,’ he added brightly.’ Can you see us a second, in private like?’
    ‘Go down to the hospital,’ I said coldly.’ I’ll be along in a few minutes.’
    ‘Very good, Doctor.’
    When I arrived at the hospital I found that Easter had diagnosed and prescribed for the condition with an efficiency founded on wide experience of it.
    ‘Take these, chum,’ he said, handing over a bottle of sulphathiazole tablets,’ and in a couple of days you’ll be feeling like a box of birds, as they say in New Zealand.’
    The patient stuffed the bottle in his waistband and jauntily walked out.
    ‘Don’t you think I ought to give him a short lecture?’ I suggested.
    Easter seemed to find this amusing.
    ‘We all has our thoughtless moments, Doctor, don’t we? Take a card,’ he said, abruptly drawing a pack from his pocket.’ Any one. Don’t let me see it.’
    I took one automatically.
    ‘Right,’ he said. ‘I will now shuffle them, see? No deception. You could have taken any card in the pack. Let me concentrate.’ He screwed up his fat face in a spasm of thought.’ Four of diamonds,’ he said.
    ‘That is perfectly correct. Though I hardly think we should be doing this sort of thing when we are supposed to be treating patients.’
    Easter slipped the cards back into the top pocket of his jacket with a subdued air of triumph.
    ‘Dr Flowerday always liked me to show him a few tricks. Used to have him in fits, sometimes. Didn’t half get narked when he couldn’t find how they was done.’
    ‘And how was that one done, if I may ask?’
    ‘Them’s all four of diamonds, actual,’ Easter said carelessly, tapping his pocket.
    ‘You seem to be quite a specialist in this sort of thing.’
    ‘For three years ashore I was Pin Hung, the Famous Chinese Magician. Round the halls. Mostly the North -Barrow, Carlisle, Sunderland. Grimsby was my favourite. Always