Dr Jew

its Chinese factories anticipated this tactic and used a newly concocted lightweight resin to make the boxes indistinguishable in weight, forcing the speculators to buy (or open in store aisles) ninety-nine boxes of Purpura Flakes to locate one that contained the little version of Gilbert Gottfried.
    The joke was on everyone, however. In using a novel resin that was largely untested and in a rush to get them on the market, Moxy had failed to recognize a rash similar to poison oak triggered by the resin in a substantial portion of the population. A class-action lawsuit ensued and Moxy initiated a product recall, and it would have had a major debilitating effect on the corporate titan were the Gottfried toys not restricted to such a small number of boxes, limiting their liability.
    Collectors who obtained the action figure before the recall were in ecstasy. Now Gilbert would be doubly rare on the toy market and his asking price would skyrocket. So they reasoned. Yes, the toy gave many people an irritating rash – so what? Most people wouldn't take the toy from its plastic bag sheath and ravish its mint status anyway.
    Things did not pan out this way, however. The flaccid interest in Swine Trek carried over to the film's affiliated merchandise. However rare the toy may have been, it could be found easily and cheaply on eBay and elsewhere.
    The only toys that noticeably shot up in price were an ultra-rare breed of the doll with a peculiar glitch. Normally, the dolls could speak a series of pre-recorded catchphrases that Gottfried spoke in Swine Trek by pressing a button on the toy's rear, memorable lines like, "Not a pig!", "I ain't contagious!", and "Let's make love!" However, a few of the toys when pressed said not these adorable quotes but instead spoke with a distinctly un-Gottfried-esque voice and a Chinese accent and said anomalous things like: "America is big," "Let me show you my trophies," "The water is so wet today," and "Life is meaningless."
    These dolls (only three of which had been identified) were sought not by Gilbert Gottfried enthusiasts or Sergio Simpatico admirers, but by fans of the bizarre, the impossible fetishes of another dimension that had managed to drip through, and offered up rewards in the tens of thousands for just one of these rare items.
    And so it was under these conditions while wandering Mission Street one day that Ueda came across a palette of Purpura Flakes on the sidewalk in front of a discount store. The boxes were marked at a mere twenty-five cents for each mammoth 45 oz. unit, and Ueda immediately knew he'd found a bargain. He bought the entire palette load and came back with his van and stored them in his living room until he could appropriate more space in his pantry. For a time he had an interesting conversation piece with these boxes filling a lipid quadrant of his apartment. But finally they became invisible as Ueda shifted them and they became a staple in his diet.
    Both Swan and Adam had never tasted Purpura Flakes and were enticed by Ueda 's steady chewing (on automatic, he didn't even realize he was eating and couldn't sense the flavor in his mouth, like air) and moreso by the purple packaging and LCD screen on the back of the box.
    "Don 't stare at it," said Ueda. "I learned that lesson the hard way. Would you like some?"
    "Gosh, they look delicious," said Swan. "Look how that kid's smiling – ow, my eyes!"
    "I thought I told you not to stare," said Ueda. "Now keep your eyes closed and do as your sensei instructs next time. Your vision will return in a few hours probably."
    "Gosh, I just couldn 't turn my eyes away from that kid looking so happy as he ate."
    "The illusion of appearances," said Ueda. "Why didn't you just look at me eating?"
    "That kid o n the screen looked happier," said Swan.
    "Hmm," said Ueda. "True. I found his buoyant charm irresistible as well."
    "Hey, Swan," said Adam, "why don 't I describe to you the boy's delight as he eats the Purpura Flakes?"
    "It do esn't hurt your eyes?" said Swan.
    "No. I think Dr. Jew gave me better eyes than humans."
    "So I guess it 's not all bad," said Ueda. "You can watch advertisements that are simply unavailable to the rest of us."
    "Yeah," said Adam. "It's wonderful."
    "Wouldn 't you rather eat the cereal yourself?" said Ueda.
    "Maybe in a while," said Swan. "For now I'd just like to hear how the advertisement turns out."
    "He wins," said Ueda. "Like all advertisements."
    "He 's putting another spoonful in his