Ender's Shadow

trust, Bean wanted to say. That's not the same thing. You aren't broken. They’re broken. But all that came out of his mouth were empty, limping words. "No, Ender, they can't --”
      "I don't care about their game anymore, Bean," said Ender. "I'm not going to play it anymore. No more practices. No more battles. They can put their little slips of paper on the floor all they want, but I won't go. I decided that before I went through the door today. That's why I had you go for the gate. I didn't think it would work, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go out in style.”
      I know that, thought Bean. You think I didn't know that? But if it comes down to style, you certainly got that. "You should've seen William Bee's face. He just stood there trying to figure out how he had lost when you only had seven boys who could wiggle their toes and he only had three who couldn't.”
      "Why should I want to see William Bee's face?" said Ender. "Why should I want to beat anybody?”
      Bean felt the heat of embarrassment in his face. He'd said the wrong thing. Only ... he didn't know what the right thing was. Something to make Ender feel better. Something to make him understand how much he was loved and honored.
      Only that love and honor were part of the burden Ender bore. There was nothing Bean could say that would not make it all the heavier on Ender. So he said nothing.
      Ender pressed his palms against his eyes. "I hurt Bonzo really bad today, Bean. I really hurt him bad.”
      Of course. All this other stuff, that's nothing. What weighs on Ender is that terrible fight in the bathroom. The fight that your friends, your army, did nothing to prevent. And what hurts you is not the danger you were in, but the harm you did in protecting yourself.
      "He had it coming," said Bean. He winced at his own words. Was that the best he could come up with? But what else could he say? No problem, Ender. Of course, he looked dead to me , and I'm probably the only kid in this school who actually knows what death looks like, but ... no problem! Nothing to worry about! He had it coming!
      "I knocked him out standing up," said Ender. "It was like he was dead, standing there. And I kept hurting him.”
      So he did know. And yet ... he didn't actually know . And Bean wasn't about to tell him. There were times for absolute honesty between friends, but this wasn't one of them.
      "I just wanted to make sure he never hurt me again.”
      "He won't," said Bean. "They sent him home.”
      "Already?”
      Bean told him what Itú had said. All the while, he felt like Ender could see that he was concealing something. Surely it was impossible to deceive Ender Wiggin.
      "I'm glad they graduated him," said Ender.
      Some graduation. They're going to bury him, or cremate him, or whatever they're doing with corpses in Spain this year.
      Spain. Pablo de Noches, who saved his life, came from Spain. And now a body was going back there, a boy who turned killer in his heart, and died for it.
      I must be losing it, thought Bean. What does it matter that Bonzo was Spanish and Pablo de Noches was Spanish? What does it matter that anybody is anything?
      And while these thoughts ran through Bean's mind, he babbled, trying to talk like someone who didn't know anything, trying to reassure Ender but knowing that if Ender believed that he knew nothing, then his words were meaningless, and if Ender realized that Bean was only faking ignorance, then his words were all lies. "Was it true he had a whole bunch of guys gang up on you?" Bean wanted to run from the room, he sounded so lame, even to himself.
      "No," said Ender. "It was just him and me. He fought with honor.”
      Bean was relieved. Ender was turned so deeply inward right now that he didn't even register what Bean was saying, how false it was.
      "I didn't fight with honor," said Ender. "I fought to win.”
      Yes, that's right, thought Bean. Fought the only way that's worth fighting, the only way that has any point. "And you did. Kicked him right out of orbit." It was as close as Bean could come to telling him the truth.
      There was a knock on the door. Then it opened, immediately, without waiting for an answer. Before Bean could turn to see who it was, he knew it was a teacher -- Ender looked up too high for it to be a kid.
      Major Anderson and Colonel Graff.
      "Ender Wiggin," said Graff.
      Ender rose to his feet. "Yes sir." The deadness had returned to his voice.
      "Your