Fear of Falling

running out of time, and, with what Dom and Dr. Cole said, it could really get me in trouble. And you’ve been doing…”
    “What? Ok, back up. What are you talking about? What did Dom and Dr. Cole say?”
    I set down the knife I was holding and sat down at the breakfast table, motioning for Angel to do the same. With a deep breath and a quick glance over her shoulder, she reluctantly did the same.
    “Now spill it. And start from the beginning.”
    Angel took a deep breath, as she nervously fingered her blonde hair. “After what happened to you, after the attack, you were adamant about us not mentioning…um…Blaine. Like you really wanted nothing to do with him. So we tried to just act like he never existed. You know, anything to help you get better. So when, uh, Blaine gave me something to give you a few weeks later, I went to Dom about it. To ask him what I should do.”
    “Wait a minute. Blaine gave you something for me?” I squeaked. It was a miracle that I could even get the words out. Just hearing his name nearly stole my breath.
    “Well…yeah. But it’s weird. I don’t know; I just don’t get why he’d want you to have that. But anyway, let me finish. So I tell Dom about it, and he told me not to give it to you. Said that Dr. Cole thinks that any reminder of what happened to you or the events leading up to that could trigger some mental breakdown. I had to agree. I mean, you were pretty scary for a while there.”
    I couldn’t argue with her there. The weeks following my attack had been a blur. Like a total out of body experience. I wasn’t all there. It was like my subconscious had created this steel cocoon that no one could penetrate while my mind digested what had happened to me. Between the drugs from the surgeries to fix my mangled face, and then accepting the new me, I was a zombie. I was dead inside. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to think. And I damn sure didn’t want to talk about it. Only the arrival of my mom, the only person that was probably more broken than me, snapped me out of it. Seeing her face opened the floodgates. All the emotions that were battling to reach the surface came bursting out. And for days, they didn’t stop.
    “So now you feel like you’re running out of time to give it to me?”
    Angel shrugged. “Yeah. I kinda am.”
    I chewed my lip, wondering if I wanted to open this door. Yeah, my heart was still undoubtedly Blaine’s, but I had accepted the end of us. I was moving on and getting better. I needed to stay on this path. Straying from it could seriously be dangerous for my recovery.
    “Well…let’s see it.”
    Yup. Sucker. A 5-foot 6-inch sucker, complete with long, white stick and plastic wrapper. Probably cherry flavored.
    Angel opened the oversized, designer handbag on her shoulder and revealed a glass Mason jar. Inside was a piece of paper. I took the jar in my hands and examined it with unwavering concentration.
    “See,” Angel remarked, though I could hardly hear her voice over the sound of my pounding heart. “Weird, right? Who gives someone a jar? So…you gonna read the note?”
    Was I? Should I?
    “I don’t know,” I whispered. It was true. Being honest with myself and with others about my feelings was something I had been working on in therapy.
    “Well, don’t wait too long to make up your mind. He’s leaving.”
    My head jerked up so fast that I felt my mended skull rattle. “Leaving?”
    “Yeah. He’s taking off. To like, Australia or something. Tonight is actually his going away party and A.D. is performing. I asked him if he wanted me to invite you…”
    “And?”
    “Sorry, Kam,” she replied with sympathetic eyes. She didn’t have to say anymore. Blaine was over me. He didn’t want me there.
    I nodded, both in understanding and conclusion. I was done with this conversation, just like Blaine was done with me.
    “Ok, well… I gotta run.” Angel climbed to her feet and kissed me on the forehead. I just sat there, still staring at that jar, unable to acknowledge much else.
    Before Angel could make her way all the way out of the kitchen, she turned to face me. “Kam? Can you do me a favor?”
    I forced my eyes to hers, though I really couldn’t see her. “Sure.”
    “Whatever’s in that jar, promise me you won’t be afraid of it. It’s just a piece of paper. Nothing on it can take away everything you’ve achieved these past few months. It doesn’t change who you are.”
    I sat in silence for a few