Find You in the Dark

thing. That wasn't any better. I skipped over statements that read, pattern of instability and intensity within interpersonal relationships, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment. Inappropriate anger. Suicidal behaviors.
    I had closed my browser. I couldn't handle reading anymore. It was that ostrich mentality again. The less I knew, the better.
    Since then, I staunchly avoided all discussions about Clay's cutting and his mental health. But even though I wouldn't talk about it, it didn't stop me from thinking about it all the time. But, Clay wanted normal, so damn it I would give him normal. And that meant that I refused to dwell on the blackness that threatened to engulf us.
    Clay, for his part, was trying to keep things even- keeled. He took me to the movies, brought me my favorite coffee every morning. Beautiful drawings and heartfelt poems filled my locker. He was the picture of the considerate and thoughtful boyfriend. We became even more fixated on each other. The physical need to drown our fears in each other was overwhelming.
    Our kisses had become almost desperate, our hands less than patient as we sought to erase the nagging doubts that tickled the back of our minds in the hours we spent together. But nothing could erase the truth that had taken root in my mind. That this would all blow up in my face in the most agonizing way possible. I felt like my life was a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode.
    I started waking up in the middle of the night. Startled out of sleep by horrible nightmares. I could never remember all of them. Only that Clay was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it. I was wound as tight as a violin. Those dark hours before seeing Clay again were the worst. I couldn't sleep for worrying about what he was doing.
    I knew this was bad for me. I knew that perhaps my parents had been right. But I needed Clay as much as he needed me. We existed in this symbiotic relationship where our hearts beat and our lungs breathed only for each other.
    Was all first love this intense? I remember watching Daniel and Kylie as they stumbled through their relationship, sneering at how ridiculous they were. If only I had realized how hard it was to keep a level head when you were buried deep in these feelings.
    I had convinced Rachel to cover for me so we could go away to the cabin. She was not happy about lying to my parents. She felt guilt way too intensely and I worried she'd never be able to keep up the charade. But after days of begging, she finally agreed, even as I knew this was yet another tally in the anti-Clay column. But I needed to be with him, just the two of us. An entire night where we could be together. It sounded like bliss.
    As the days got closer to our get away, even my reluctant friends couldn't deny the excitement of getting out of town. Daniel had asked Clay if he could invite Ray and Clare, and Clay had agreed; much to my relief. I hoped the presence of Ray and Clare would help to neutralize the tension that I knew would otherwise be present. So everyone planned our crazy night away and I reveled in the new level of comradery that descended over Clay and my friends.
    Thanksgiving came and went and I enjoyed having a quiet meal with my parents. I even braved the mall to go shopping on Black Friday. I allowed my mom to talk me into getting some new clothes. I got some new pants and shirts, letting myself embrace my girlie side with more feminine gear.
    While my mom was busy picking out some new bras and underwear at Victoria's Secret, I took the opportunity to pick out some items for myself. I had to make sure that my mother didn't see me choosing several lacy pairs of panties and matching push up bras. Holding up a see-through pair of underwear, I imagined Clay taking them off of me and my blood heated up. Yep, I was getting these for sure. I surreptitiously paid for the items and then hid the bright pink bag in my purse.
    Saturday morning, Rachel came over and helped me pack for our night. She oohed and ahhed over the new clothes I had gotten, calling dibs on the cute black off the shoulder top my mom had picked out. It was the first time in weeks where I felt that old ease and normalcy in our relationship. I was convinced tonight would be just what I needed. Not only because I would have time with Clay, but I could repair my relationships with my friends.
    “You're mom has some serious style, Mags.” Rachel commented, stuffing the black top into my overnight bag. I found