Fires. Essays, Poems, Stories

worse." He shook his head again and stared a while at his glass. He was pretty far gone already.
    "We'd better have another one," he said.
    "Put a little water in mine this time," I said.
    A few guys, friends of Harry's, drifted in from time to time that morning. Once I saw Jimmy get out a handkerchief and blow his nose. The guy at the other end of the bar, the stranger, made a move as if to play something on the juke box. But Jimmy went over and pulled the plug with a wild jerk and glared at the guy till he left. None of us had much to say to each other. What could we say? We were still too numb. Finally Jimmy brought out an empty cigar box and put it on the bar. He said we'd better start a collection for a wreath. We all put in a dollar or two to get things going. Jimmy took a grease pencil and marked HARRY FUND on the box.
    Mike Demarest came in and took the stool next to mine. He's a bartender at the T-'N-T Club. "Cripes!" he said. "I heard it on the clock radio. The wife was getting dressed for work and woke me up and said, 'Is that the Harry you know?' Sure as hell. Give me a double and a beer chaser, Jimmy."
    In a few minutes he said, "How's Little Judith taking it? Has anybody seen Little Judith?" I could see he was watching me out of the corner of his eye. I didn't have anything to say to him. Jimmy said, "She called here this morning and sounded pretty hysterical, poor kid."
    After another drink or two, Mike turned to me and said, "You going down to view him?"
    I waited for a minute before answering. "I don't care much for that sort of thing. I doubt it."
    Mike nodded as if he understood. But a minute later I caught
    him watching me in the mirror behind the bar. I might put in here that I don't like Mike Demarest, if you haven't already guessed. I have never liked him. Harry didn't like him either. We'd talked about it. But that's the way it always is—the good guys get it and the others go about their business.
    About then I noticed my palms were getting clammy and my insides felt like lead. At the same time I could feel the blood pounding hard in my temples. For a minute I thought I was going to faint. I slid off the stool, nodded at Mike and said, "Take it easy, Jimmy."
    "Yeah, you too," he said.
    Outside I leaned against the wall for a minute, trying to get my bearings. I remembered I hadn't had any breakfast. What with the anxiety and depression and the drinks I'd had, it was no wonder my head was spinning. But I didn't want anything to eat. I couldn't have eaten a bite for anything. A clock over a jewelry store window across the street said ten to eleven. It seemed like it should be late afternoon at least, so much had happened.
    It was at that moment I saw Little Judith. She came around the corner walking slowly, her shoulders hunched and drawn, a pinched look to her face. A pitiful sight. She had a big wad of Kleenex in her hand. She stopped once and blew her nose.
    •Judith; I said.
    She made a sound that went to my heart like a bullet. We put our arms around each other right there on the sidewalk.
    I said, "Judith, I'm so sorry. What can I do? I'd give my right arm, you know that."
    She nodded. She couldn't say anything. We stood there patting and rubbing each other, me trying to console her, saying whatever came to mind, both of us sniffling. She let go for a minute and looked at me with a dazed look, then she threw her arms around me again.
    "I can't, I can't believe it, that's all," she said. "I just can't." She kept squeezing my shoulder with one hand and patting my back with the other.
    'It's true, Judith," I said. 'It's on the radio and TV news, and itll be in all the papers tonight."
    "No, no," she said, squeezing me all the harder.
    I was beginning to get woozy again. I could feel the sun burning down on my head. She still had her arms around me. I moved just enough so that we had to pull apart. But I kept my arm around her waist to give her support.
    "We were going away next month/' she said. "Last night we sat at our table in the Red Fox for three or four hours, making plans."
    "Judith," I said, "let's go someplace and have a cup of coffee or a drink"
    "Let's go inside," she said.
    "No, someplace else," I said. "We can come back here later."
    "I think if I ate something I might feel better," she said.
    "That's a good idea," I said. "I could eat something."
    The next three days passed in a whirl. I went to work each day, but it was a sad and depressing place without Harry. I saw a lot