Hard Rain

hard are you trying? Most people get along
    pretty well without killing someone. They don't have to go out of
    their way to avoid it."
    "It's a little more complicated than that with me."
    "Why?"
    I shrugged. "Right now the people who know me seem to be equally
    divided between wanting to kill me and wanting me to kill."
    Ishikura-san?"
    I nodded. "Tatsu has devoted his life to fighting corruption in Japan.
    He's got assets, but the forces he's up against are stronger than he
    is. He's trying to even the odds."
    "It's hard for me to picture him as one of the good guys."
    "I'm sure it is. But the world he inhabits isn't as black and white as
    the one you do. Believe it or not, he was trying to help your
    father."
    And suddenly I understood why he had sent her here. Not because he
    hoped that I would assist him as a quid pro quo for a few exculpatory
    comments he'd made to Midori. Or at least not entirely that. No, his
    real hope was that, if Midori came to view Tatsu as in some way trying
    to continue the fight her father had begun, she might want me to help
    him. He hoped that my seeing her would tap into my regrets about her
    father, make me malleable to a request that I do what he wanted.
    "So now you're "trying to get out," she said.
    I nodded, thinking this would be what she wanted to hear.
    But she laughed. "Is that your atonement after all you've done? I
    didn't know it was that easy to get into heaven."
    Maybe I didn't have a right, but I was starting to get irritated.
    "Look, I made a mistake with your father. I told you I'm sorry for it,
    I told you I would change it if I could. What else can I do? You want
    me to pour gasoline on myself and light a match? Feed the hungry?
    What?"
    She dropped her eyes. "I don't know."
    "Well, I don't know, either. But I'm trying."
    That fucking Tatsu, I thought. He'd seen all of this. He knew she
    would rattle me.
    I finished my Bunnahabhain. I set the empty glass down on the table
    and looked at it.
    "I want something from you," I heard her say after a moment.
    "I know," I answered, not looking at her.
    "I don't know what it is."
    I closed my eyes. "I know you don't."
    "I can't believe I'm even sitting here talking to you."
    To that I only nodded.
    There was another long silence while I ran through my mind all the
    things I wished I could say to her, things I wished could make a
    difference.
    "We're not through," I heard her say.
    I looked at her, not knowing what she meant, and she went on.
    When I know what I want from you, I'm going to tell you."
    "I appreciate it," I said dryly. "That way I'll at least see it
    coming."
    She didn't laugh. "You're the killer, not me."
    "Right."
    She looked at me for a moment longer, then said, "I can find you
    here?"
    I shook my head. "No."
    "Where, then?"
    "It's better if I find you."
    "No!" she said with a sudden vehemence that surprised me. "No more of
    that bullshit. If you want to see me again, tell me where you'll
    be."
    I picked up my empty glass and gripped it tightly.
    Walk away, I told myself. You don't even need to say anything. Just
    put a few bills on the table and go. You'll never see her again.
    Except I'd always be seeing her. I couldn't get away from it.
    I've gotten used to hoping for so little that I seem to have lost any
    natural immunity to the emotion's infection. My hopes for Midori had
    gotten a foothold, and as ridiculous as they'd become, I couldn't seem
    to beat them back.
    "Look," I said, already knowing it was futile. "I've lived this way
    for a long time. This is the reason I've lived for a long time."
    "Forget it, then," she said. She stood up.
    "All right," I said. "You can find me here."
    She looked at me and nodded. "Okay."
    I paused. "Am I going to hear from you?" I asked.
    "Do you care?"
    "I'm afraid I do."
    "Good," she said, nodding. "Let's see how you like the uncertainty."
    She turned and walked away.
    I paid the bill and waited for a minute, then left, using one of the
    basement exits.
    I couldn't stay there any longer. I might be able to live with Midori
    herself knowing my whereabouts, but she had no security consciousness
    and I couldn't live with the possibility that she might inadvertently
    lead someone to me. I wanted to make things harder for Tatsu, too. It
    might not have mattered all that much at this point if he had a way to
    find me, but I didn't like the notion.
    I would stay at the most anonymous business hotels, a different one
    every night. Doing so would protect me from anyone who