Hemingway’s Chair

heard his name Nick Marshall
advanced from a corner of the room, arm outstretched. His eyes shone and his
freshly washed hair glowed as it had the day Martin first met him. He had with
him a short, heavy, efficient-looking woman who wore a grey suit that matched
the carpet and was carrying a clipboard on which she was checking certain
items. She had close-cut, tinted, blue-grey hair and a pair of half-moon
glasses which she removed as Marshall introduced her.
    ‘Martin,
meet the woman responsible for this amazing transformation — Stella Holt of
Elldor — the shopfitting division of Post Shops Limited. Stella, this is my
trusty right-hand man, Martin Sproale. He s worked at Theston post office man
and boy for fourteen years.’
    ‘Sixteen.’
    Stella
Holt shook Martin’s hand. She had a cool, firm grip which she withdrew quite
sharply, making him aware that he had cycled to work and was still very warm.
Her voice was efficient, expressionless. ‘You’ll know that barn in North Square
pretty well,’ she said to him.
    ‘Yes,
I can’t wait to get back there,’ said Martin. Nick, who had just noticed his
sandals, looked sternly at him. Stella Holt moved on busily and Martin followed
her to where the rest of the staff stood around. Elaine avoided his eye.
Shirley Barker looked faintly disapproving, Geraldine faintly amused.
    Marshall
cleared his throat, rubbed his hands and addressed them. ‘Stella and the team
have done a beautiful job in an incredibly short time, and now it’s up to us to
make the best of it. We open at eleven, so you’ll have a couple of hours
together. Stella, over to you.’
    Stella
looked down her glasses at them. Her dead eyes were magnified as she smiled.
‘Thank you, Mr Marshall, and let me say how pleased I am that thanks to your
efforts Theston has had the chance to benefit from the most exciting and
up-to-date developments in counter technology.’
    Marshall
inclined his head graciously. ‘I’ll leave you to it, Stella,’ he said and loped
gracefully away, much to Martin’s irritation.
    Stella
turned her cold, grey professional eye upon the assembled staff. She smiled
again, a rhetorical smile. Not one to be returned.
    ‘This
is the Standard Pattern Local Enterprise Office,’ she began, ‘and we have many
hundreds operating successfully up and down the country to meet the needs of
the modern consumer. Before we go on to practical matters like uniform and
counter discipline, I want to start by giving you the philosophical overview of
the LEO policy.’
    Martin
felt himself slowly suffocating, and there was no escape. He could hardly bear
to think of it. Even as he stood here North Square was being vandalised by
Crispin’s men. In the name of what? He felt foolish and inadequate and
helpless. He swallowed hard and looked up. Stella Holt was watching him, using
eye contact mercilessly. He felt like a butterfly in a display case, pinned
through the heart.
    ‘We
at Elldor have worked on post office conversions for the last three and a half
years and during that time we have evolved, in consultation with Post Office |
Counter Services Limited and the Government’s Customer Charter, the concept of
MEC — Maximised Efficiency Control.’ She held out two chubby hands, forefingers
pointing upwards, like an air hostess in a safety demonstration, if you would
care to look now at ' the monitors above your head.’
    The
monitors flickered into life, synchronised celestial music sounded from them and
the initials ‘MEC’ appeared on the screens. Then the initials faded and merged
into the likeness of Stella Holt, who now appeared in prerecorded video on
screen as well as in real life. At the same time there was a cry of alarm from
the front of the shop. A small child seemed hell-bent on selecting his Easter
egg from the very bottom of Mr Randall’s mountain.
    ‘The
three elements of Maximised Efficiency Control are Identity, Immediacy and
Impetus.'
    At
that point the north face of the Easter egg mountain tilted, defied gravity for
a split second and then slowly toppled to the ground.
    ‘Identity
means enabling the customer to identify staff and facilities quickly and
clearly, and to this end we have developed an in-house style with themed
garments and fittings.'
    Eggs,
bunny motifs and the chocolate likenesses of chirpy chickens lay scattered
across the shop.
    ‘Staff
are encouraged to wear name badges.'
    Two
smiling models appeared on the screen. They attached their lapel