Hogfather

bells?”
    “Didn’t hear anything like that, sir.”
    “Oh.” Ridcully shrugged. “Anyway…what was I saying…yes…no one’s ever heard of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.”
    “That’s right,” said the gnome. “Even I’ve never heard of me until tonight, and I’m me .”
    “We’ll see what we can find out, Archchancellor,” said Ponder diplomatically.
    “Good man.” Ridcully put the gnome back in his pocket and looked up at Hex.
    “Amazin’,” he said again. “He just looks as though he’s thinking, right?”
    “Er…yes.”
    “But he’s not actually thinking?”
    “Er…no.”
    “So…he just gives the impression of thinking but really it’s just a show?”
    “Er…yes.”
    “Just like everyone else, then, really,” said Ridcully.

    The boy gave the Hogfather an appraising stare as he sat down on the official knee.
    “Let’s be absolutely clear. I know you’re just someone dressed up,” he said. “The Hogfather is a biological and temporal impossibility. I hope we understand one another.”
    A H. SO I DON’T EXIST ?
    “Correct. This is just a bit of seasonal frippery and, I may say, rampantly commercial. My mother’s already bought my presents. I instructed her as to the right ones, of course. She often gets things wrong.”
    The Hogfather glanced briefly at the smiling, worried image of maternal ineffectiveness hovering nearby.
    H OW OLD ARE YOU, BOY ?
    The child rolled his eyes. “You’re not supposed to say that,” he said. “I have done this before, you know. You have to start by asking me my name.”
    A ARON F IDGET , “T HE P INES ,” E DGEWAY R OAD , A NKH -M ORPORK .
    “I expect someone told you,” said Aaron. “I expect these people dressed up as pixies get the information from the mothers.”
    A ND YOU ARE EIGHT, GOING ON…OH, ABOUT FORTY-FIVE , said the Hogfather.
    “There’s forms to fill in when they pay, I expect,” said Aaron.
    A ND YOU WANT W ALNUT’S I NOFFENSIVE R EPTILES OF THE S TO P LAINS, A DISPLAY CABINET, A COLLECTOR’S ALBUM, A KILLING JAR AND A LIZARD PRESS . W HAT IS A LIZARD PRESS ?
    “You can’t glue them in when they’re still fat, or didn’t you know that? I expect she told you about them when I was momentarily distracted by the display of pencils. Look, shall we end this charade? Just give me my orange and we’ll say no more about it.”
    I CAN GIVE FAR MORE THAN ORANGES .
    “Yes, yes, I saw all that. Probably done in collusion with accomplices to attract gullible customers. Oh dear, you’ve even got a false beard. By the way, old chap, did you know that your pig—”
    Y ES .
    “All done by mirrors and string and pipes, I expect. It all looked very artificial to me .”
    The Hogfather snapped his fingers.
    “That’s probably a signal, I expect,” said the boy, getting down. “Thank you very much.”
    H APPY H OGSWATCH , said the Hogfather as the boy walked away.
    Uncle Heavy patted him on the shoulder.
    “Well done, master,” he said. “Very patient. I’d have given him a clonk athwart the ear hole, myself.”
    O H , I’ M SURE HE’LL SEE THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS . The red hood turned so that only Albert could see into its depths. R IGHT AROUND THE TIME HE OPENS THOSE BOXES HIS MOTHER WAS CARRYING …
    H O . H O . H O .

    “Don’t tie it so tight! Don’t tie it so tight !”
    S QUEAK .
    There was a bickering behind Susan as she sought along the shelves in the canyons of Death’s huge library, which was so big that clouds would form in it if they dared.
    “Right, right,” said the voice she was trying to ignore. “That’s about right. I’ve got to be able to move my wings, right?”
    S QUEAK .
    “Ah,” said Susan, under her breath. “The Hogfather…”
    He had several shelves, not just one book. The first volume seemed to be written on a roll of animal skin. The Hogfather was old .
    “Okay, okay. How does it look?”
    S QUEAK .
    “Miss?” said the raven, seeking a second opinion.
    Susan looked up. The raven bounced past, its breast bright red.
    “Twit, twit,” it said. “Bobbly bobbly bob. Hop hop hopping along…”
    “You’re fooling no one but yourself,” said Susan. “I can see the string.”
    She unrolled the scroll.
    “Maybe I should sit on a snowy log,” mumbled the raven behind her. “That’s probably the trick, right enough.”
    “I can’t read this!” said Susan. “The letters are all…odd…”
    “Ethereal runes,” said the raven. “The Hogfather ain’t human, after