Interesting Times

start…shortly.”
    He glared at Truckle, who was unfolding his bit of paper. The barbarian’s lips moved awkwardly and he ran a horny finger across the page.
    “Misbegotten…wretch, so you are,” he said.
    “My word,” said Mr. Saveloy, who’d created the look-up table.
    As the three returned to the Horde Mr. Saveloy was aware of a grinding sound. Cohen was wearing several carats off his teeth.
    “‘Die at my bidding’,” he said. “The bugger doesn’t even know what a chief is meant to be , the bastard! Him and his horse!”
    Mr. Saveloy looked around. There seemed to be some arguing among the warlords.
    “You know,” he said, “they probably will try to take us alive. I used to have a headmaster like him. He liked to make people’s lives a misery.”
    “You mean they’ll be trying not to kill us?” said Truckle.
    “Yes.”
    “Does that mean we have to try not to kill them?”
    “No, I don’t think so.”
    “Sounds okay to me.”
    “What do we do now?” said Mr. Saveloy. “Do we do a battle chant or something?”
    “We just wait,” said Cohen.
    “There’s a lot of waiting in warfare,” said Boy Willie.
    “Ah, yes,” said Mr. Saveloy. “I’ve heard people say that. They say there’s long periods of boredom followed by short periods of excitement.”
    “Not really,” said Cohen. “It’s more like short periods of waiting followed by long periods of being dead.”

    “Blast.”
    The fields were crisscrossed with drainage ditches. There seemed to be no straight path anywhere. And the ditches were too wide to jump; they looked shallow enough to wade, but only because eighteen inches of water overlay a suffocating depth of rich thick mud. Mr. Saveloy said that the Empire owed its prosperity to the mud of the plains, and right now Rincewind was feeling extremely rich.
    He was also quite close to the big hill that dominated the city. It really was rounded, with a precision apparently far too accurate for mere natural causes; Saveloy had said that hills like that were drumlins, great piles of topsoil left behind by glaciers. Trees covered the lower slopes of this one, and there was a small building on the top.
    Cover. Now, that was a good word. It was a big plain and the armies weren’t too far away. The hill looked curiously peaceful, as if it belonged to a different world. It was strange that the Agateans, who otherwise seemed to farm absolutely everywhere a water buffalo could stand, had left it alone.
    Someone was watching him.
    It was a water buffalo.
    It would be wrong to say it watched him with interest. It just watched him, because its eyes were open and had to be facing in some direction, and it had randomly chosen one which included Rincewind.
    Its face held the completely serene expression of a creature that had long ago realized that it was, fundamentally, a tube on legs and had been installed in the universe to, broadly speaking, achieve throughput.
    At the other end of the string was a man, ankle-deep in the mud of the field. He had a broad straw hat, like every other buffalo holder. He had the basic pyjama suit of the Agatean man-in-the-field. And he had an expression not of idiocy, but of preoccupation. He was looking at Rincewind. As with the buffalo, this was only because his eyes had to be doing something.
    Despite the pressing dangers, Rincewind found himself overcome by a sudden curiosity.
    “Er. Good morning,” he said.
    The man gave him a nod. The water buffalo made the sound of regurgitating cud.
    “Er. Sorry if this is a personal question,” said Rincewind, “but…I can’t help wondering…why do you stand out in the fields all day with the water buffalo?”
    The man thought about it.
    “Good for soil,” he said eventually.
    “But doesn’t it waste a lot of time?” said Rincewind.
    The man gave this due appraisal also.
    “What’s time to a cow?” he said.
    Rincewind reversed back on to the highway of reality.
    “You see those armies over there?” he said.
    The buffalo holder concentrated his gaze.
    “Yes,” he decided.
    “They’re fighting for you.”
    The man did not appear moved by this. The water buffalo burped gently.
    “Some want to see you enslaved and some want you to run the country, or at least to let them run the country while telling you it’s you doing it really,” said Rincewind. “There’s going to be a terrible battle. I can’t help wondering…What do you want?”
    The buffalo holder absorbed this one for