Kushiel's Mercy
pretend to that. Still, there are ways in which I have changed. When you were taken . . .” She fell silent a moment. “I learned what it was to suffer. To hate. To be filled with fury and helplessness. To regret. And afterward . . .”
She looked away. “Phèdre nó Delaunay told me I did not wish to know what befell you in that place. And yet I was torn between a fear of knowing and a need to know. In the end, I couldn’t bear it. I found a Caerdicci woman who had been there and had her sent to the Temple of Asherat. She told me.” She looked back at me. “And then it was worse.”
“You wrote to me,” I said. “You wrote that if you could undo what was done to me, you would do anything in the world.”
The shadow behind her eyes lightened. “You read my letters?”
“Yes.” I propped my elbows on my knees, clasping my hands between them. “Not for a long time, not until years after you disappeared. But I did. At first I tried to burn them,” I added. “After that, Phèdre kept them for me.”
“Phèdre.” My mother’s rich voice held too many things to decipher. She gazed into the distance. “The gods must laugh. And yet I begin to think mayhap they hold a shred of mercy for me. I cannot take back my deeds. I cannot undo your hurt. But this at least I can do, and pray that it leavens the burden of regret. So you see, I do not pretend to selflessness.”
“That’s good,” I said. “Since it has the added benefit of removing the sentence of death hanging over your head.”
“True.” Her brows rose again. “But if I had not acted to protect you, it wouldn’t have mattered. You would have forgotten all about your vow.”
I studied my clasped hands, thinking about a world in which I had forgotten my promise to bring my mother to justice. Forgotten Sidonie. “Will you answer a question truthfully?” I asked. “Could you have prevented it? Carthage’s spell?”
My mother didn’t answer for a long time.
I lifted my head and gazed at her.
“No,” she said finally. “Not without Solon’s help. I only knew the rumors Sunjata passed to me. It was Solon who pieced them together. He’s studied a great many arcane arts.”
She gave another wry smile. “But he kept the full truth of it from me, knowing it would mean you wouldn’t come seeking my life. All I asked was that whatever it was, he find a way to protect you.”
“Solon,” I muttered. “I could kill him for that.”
“I suggest you don’t,” Melisande said. “Since he’s your best hope.”
I eyed her. “What would you have done if you had known? Would you have let it happen?”
“I don’t know,” she said with surprising candor. “What if I hadn’t? What would you have done if I had persuaded Solon to tell me how to avert it? Sent a warning? Would you have believed me?”
“Yes,” I said slowly. “I believe I would.”
“And would you have still sought to drag me back to Terre d’Ange to be executed?”
Melisande inquired.
It was my turn to fall silent. “I don’t know,” I said at length.
“So.” Her shoulders moved in a graceful shrug. “Life is filled with things we may never know. And although you have not asked it of me, I grant you forgiveness for seeking my death.”
“I didn’t relish the prospect,” I said.
“That’s nice to know.” My mother sounded more amused than not. Whatever else was true of her, Leander was right. She wasn’t vindictive. She cocked her head. “Ysandre’s daughter ?”
“Did you laugh?” I asked.
Her generous lips twitched. “What do you think?”
I smiled despite myself. “It’s not a ploy, if that’s what you’re wondering. I love her. I’ve loved her for a long time. For years we kept it a secret, hoping it would pass. It didn’t.
And I truly will do whatever is needful to get her back.”
The early-autumn sun poured down on us, warm and golden. My mother reached out and touched my hair, running a lock of it between her fingers.
I let her.
“What’s she like?” Melisande asked.
“Sidonie?” I smiled again. “Dorelei said once that she was like a house without a door.
It’s not true, though. Not really. She’s very . . . contained. But there’s a fierceness in her.
Once it’s tapped, it’s . . .” I shook my head. “I don’t know. She’s determined. Passionate.
Loyal. Funny, too. Most people don’t know that about her. I didn’t, not for a long time.”
My smile faded. “And she’s Astegal’s
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