Making Money

don’t particularly want or intend to be an implement,” said Moist.
    “Good for you, sir. But events are eventuating—”
    There was a crash of broken glass from below, and a faint, muffled voice shouted: “Damn! There goes the balance of payments!”
    “Let’s have that tour, shall we?” said Moist brightly. “Starting with what that was?”
    “That abomination?” Bent gave a little shudder. “I think we should leave that until Hubert has cleaned up. Oh, will you look at that? It really is terrible…”
    Mr. Bent strode across the floor until he was under the big, solemn clock. He glared at it as if it had mortally offended him, and snapped his fingers, but a junior clerk was already hurrying across the floor with a small stepladder. Mr. Bent mounted the steps, opened the clock, and moved the second hand forward by two seconds. The clock was slammed shut, the steps dismounted, and the accountant returned to Moist, adjusting his cuffs.
    He looked Moist up and down. “It loses almost a minute a week. Am I the only person who finds this offensive? It would appear so, alas. Let’s start with the gold, shall we?”
    “Ooo, yes,” said Moist. “Let’s!”

CHAPTER 2

    The promise of gold The Men of the Sheds
The cost of a penny and the usefulness of widows
Overheads underfoot Security, the importance thereof
A fascination with transactions A son of many fathers
Alleged untrustworthiness in a case of flaming underwear
The panopticon of the world and the blindness of Mr. Bent An arch comment

    “SOMEHOW I WAS expecting something…bigger,” said Moist, looking through the steel bars into the little room that held the gold. The metal, in open bags and boxes, gleamed dully in the torchlight.
    “That is almost ten tons of gold,” said Bent reproachfully. “It does not have to look big.”
    “But all the ingots and bags put together aren’t much bigger than the desks out there!”
    “It is very heavy, Mr. Lipwig. It is the one true metal, pure and unsullied,” said Bent. His left eye twitched. “It is the metal that never fell from grace.”
    “Really?” said Moist, checking that the door out of there was still open.
    “And it is also the only basis of a sound financial system,” Mr. Bent went on, while the torchlight reflected from the bullion and gilded his face. “There is Value! There is Worth! Without the anchor of gold, all would be chaos.”
    “Why?”
    “Who would set the value of the dollar?”
    “Our dollars are not pure gold, though, are they?”
    “Aha, yes. Gold-colored, Mr. Lipwig,” said Bent. “Less gold than seawater. Gold-ish. We adulterated our own currency! Infamy! There can be no greater crime!” His eye twitched again.
    “Er…murder?” Moist ventured. Yep, the door was still open.
    Mr. Bent waved a hand. “Murder only happens once,” he said, “but when the trust in gold breaks down, chaos rules. But it had to be done. The abominable coins are, admittedly, only goldish, but they are at least a solid token of true gold in the reserves. In their wretchedness, they nevertheless acknowledge the primacy of gold and our independence from the machinations of government! We ourselves have more gold than any other bank in the city, and only I have a key to that door! And the manager has one too, of course,” he added, very much as a grudging and unwelcome afterthought.
    “I read somewhere that the coins represent a promise to hand over a dollar’s worth of gold,” said Moist helpfully.
    Mr. Bent steepled his hands in front of his face and turned his eyes upward, as though praying.
    “In theory, yes,” he said after a few moments. “I would prefer to say that it is a tacit understanding that we will honor our promise to exchange it for a dollar’s worth of gold, provided we are not, in point of fact, asked to.”
    “So…it’s not really a promise?”
    “It certainly is, sir, in financial circles. It is, you see, about trust.”
    “You mean, trust us, we’ve got a big expensive building?”
    “You jest, Mr. Lipwig, but there may be a grain of truth there.” Bent sighed. “I can see you have a lot to learn, and at least you’ll have me to teach you. And now, I think, you would like to see the Mint. People always like to see the Mint. It’s twenty-seven minutes and thirty-six seconds past one, so they should have finished their lunch hour.”

    IT WAS A CAVERN. Moist was pleased about that, at least. A Mint should be lit by flames.
    Its main hall