May We Be Forgiven

her. As soon as I realized I’d hit something, I stopped. I stayed with her. I held on to her. She was slipping out from under herself, fluid was leaking out, like a broken engine. I felt sick. And I hated her. I hated her for how stunned she looked, how gray, the pool forming beneath her—I didn’t even know where exactly it was coming from. It started to rain. There were people with blankets—where did the blankets come from? I heard sirens. People in cars drove around us, I saw them staring.”
    “What is he talking about?” I ask, wondering whether I’m confused or George is entirely disoriented. “That’s not what happened, that’s not this accident, perhaps it’s another one, but it’s not his.”
    “George,” Jane says. “I read the police report—that’s not what happened. Are you thinking of something else? Something you dreamed or something you saw on television?”
    George offers no clarification.
    “Any history of mental or neurological symptoms?” the doctor asks. We all shake our heads. “What line of work are you in?”
    “Law,” George says. “I studied law.”
    “Why don’t you leave him with us for now. We’ll order some tests,” the doctor says, “and then we’ll talk further.”
    Again, I stay the night at George and Jane’s house.

    T he next morning, on our way to see him, I wonder aloud, “Is this the right place for him, a psych ward?”
    “It’s the suburbs,” she says. “How dangerous could a suburban psych ward be?”
    He is alone in his room.
    “Good morning,” Jane says.
    “Is it? I wouldn’t know.”
    “Did you have your breakfast?” she asks, seeing the tray in front of him.
    “It’s dog food,” he says, “Take it home to Tessie.”
    “Your breath stinks—did you brush your teeth?” I ask.
    “Don’t they do it for you?” George replies. “I’ve never been in a mental hospital before.”
    “It’s not a mental hospital,” Jane says. “You just happen to be in the mental unit.”
    “I can’t go into the bathroom,” he says. “I can’t look at myself in the mirror—I can’t.” He begins to sound hysterical.
    “Do you need me to help you? I can help you clean up,” Jane says, opening the toilet kit they have left for him.
    “Don’t make her do this,” I say. “You’re not an infant—snap out of it—stop acting like a zombie.”
    He begins to cry. I am surprised at myself for the tone I’m taking with him. I walk out of the room. As I leave, Jane is running water on a washcloth.

    I n the evening, after work, Claire comes to the hospital, bringing Chinese food from the city for the four of us. For someone of Chinese descent, Claire is surprisingly indiscriminate about Chinese food—as far as she’s concerned, it’s all the same, variations on a theme. We reheat it in the microwave marked “For Patient Use—No Medical Products.” We clean our hands with the bottles of foaming cleanser that are on every wall of every room. I worry about putting anything down, touching any surfaces—suddenly I fear I could be eating deadly germs. I look into the Chinese food and see a worm, which I discreetly show Claire.
    “It’s not a worm, it’s a grain of rice.”
    “It’s larva,” I whisper.
    “You’re nuts.” She uses her fork to extract the grain of rice.
    “Does rice have eyes?” I ask.
    “It’s pepper,” she says, wiping the eyes off.
    “Where did the food come from?” I ask.
    “The place on Third Avenue that you used to like,” she says.
    “The one the health department closed?” I ask with a measure of alarm.
    “You have a big trip coming up,” Jane says, distracting us.
    “I’m going to China for a few days,” Claire says.
    “No one goes to China for ‘a couple of days,’” George growls.
    Claire does.
    Refusing to eat, George will only allow himself to suck the hot mustard directly from the plastic packets—self-punishment. No one stops him. “More for me,” I am tempted to say, but don’t.
    “When are you leaving?” Jane asks.
    “Tomorrow.”
    I pass another packet of mustard to George.
    Later, in private, Claire asks me if George and Jane have a gun. “If not, they should get one,” she says.
    “What are you saying? They should get a gun? That’s how you end up dead, you get a gun and then someone shoots you.”
    “I’m just saying that I wouldn’t be surprised if Jane comes home one night and the family of the people George hurt are waiting for her. He destroyed their