Me Before You: A Novel

defines me.’
    ‘But you’re not even giving it a chance,’ I whispered. My voice didn’t seem to want to emerge from my chest. ‘You’re not giving
me
a chance.’
    ‘It’s not a matter of giving you a chance. I’ve watched you these six months becoming a whole different person, someone who is only just beginning to see her possibilities. You have no idea how happy that has made me. I don’t want you to be tied to me, to my hospital appointments, to the restrictions on my life. I don’t want you to miss out on all the things someone else could give you. And, selfishly, I don’t want you to look at me one day and feel even the tiniest bit of regret or pity that –’
    ‘I would
never
think that!’
    ‘You don’t know that, Clark. You have no idea how this would play out. You have no idea how you’re going to feel even six months from now. And I don’t want to look at you every day, to see you naked, to watch you wandering around the annexe in your crazy dresses and not … not be able to do what I want with you. Oh, Clark, if you had any idea what I want to do to you right now. And I … I can’t live with that knowledge. I can’t. It’s not who I am. I can’t be the kind of man who just … 
accepts
.’
    He glanced down at his chair, his voice breaking. ‘I will never accept this.’
    I had begun to cry. ‘Please, Will. Please don’t say this. Just give me a chance. Give us a chance.’
    ‘Sshhh. Just listen. You, of all people. Listen to what I’m saying. This … tonight … is the most wonderful thing you could have done for me. What you have told me, what you have done in bringing me here … knowing that, somehow, from that complete arse I was at the start of this, you managed to salvage something to love is astonishing to me. But –’ I felt his fingers close on mine ‘– I need it to end here. No more chair. No more pneumonia. No more burning limbs. No more pain and tiredness and waking up every morning already wishing it was over. When we get back, I am still going to go to Switzerland. And if you do love me, Clark, as you say you do, the thing that would make me happier than anything is if you would come with me.’
    My head whipped back.
    ‘What?’
    ‘It’s not going to get any better than this. The odds areI’m only going to get increasingly unwell and my life, reduced as it is, is going to get smaller. The doctors have said as much. There are a host of conditions encroaching on me. I can feel it. I don’t want to be in pain any more, or trapped in this thing, or dependent on everyone, or afraid. So I’m asking you – if you feel the things you say you feel – then do it. Be with me. Give me the end I’m hoping for.’
    I looked at him in horror, my blood thumping in my ears. I could barely take it in.
    ‘How can you ask me that?’
    ‘I know, it’s –’
    ‘I tell you I love you and I want to build a future with you, and you ask me to come and watch you kill yourself?’
    ‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean it to sound blunt. But I haven’t got the luxury of time.’
    ‘Wha– what? Why, are you actually booked in? Is there some appointment you’re afraid of missing?’
    I could see people at the hotel stopping, perhaps hearing our raised voices, but I didn’t care.
    ‘Yes,’ Will said, after a pause. ‘Yes, there is. I’ve had the consultations. The clinic agreed that I am a suitable case for them. And my parents agreed to the thirteenth of August. We’re due to fly out the day before.’
    My head had begun to spin. It was less than a week away.
    ‘I don’t believe this.’
    ‘Louisa –’
    ‘I thought … I thought I was changing your mind.’
    He tilted his head sideways and gazed at me. His voice was soft, his eyes gentle. ‘Louisa, nothing was ever going to change my mind. I promised my parents six months,and that’s what I’ve given them. You have made that time more precious than you can imagine. You stopped it being an endurance test –’
    ‘Don’t!’
    ‘What?’
    ‘Don’t say another word.’ I was choking. ‘You are so selfish, Will. So stupid. Even if there was the remotest possibility of me coming with you to Switzerland … even if you thought I might, after all I’ve done for you, be someone who could do that, is that all you can say to me? I tore my heart out in front of you. And all you can say is, “No, you’re not enough for me. And now I want you to come watch the worst thing you can possibly