My Point...And I Do Have One

favorite names. In fact, I have a goldfish named (your name). You’re not my goldfish, are you? Because if you are, I don’t think it’s safe for you to be out of the bowl for very long.
    CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______
    E LLEN: Well, thank you for saying that. It makes me happy that you find me very, very funny.
    CS.: ______ ______ ______
    E LLEN: I stand corrected, very, very,
very
funny. Say, (your name), what is it that you do for a living?
    CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______
    E LLEN: That is such a coincidence. If I wasn’t doing what I’m doing, I’d want to be a (your job). I even thought of studying to be a (your job), but everybody said …
    CS.:______ ______,“______”
    E LLEN: (Laughing) That’s right! That’s exactly what everybody said. I guess being a (your job) makes you really understand people.
    (Note:
. While we’re talking I’m looking at you and only you. You have my complete attention. I’m not staring around bored or planning some way to escape. I am genuinely interested in what you have to say.)
    CS.: ______ ______ ______
    E LLEN: Excuse me, but I think it’s you who are so cool. And I can tell that you have a great sense of humor.
    C.S.: ______ ______ ______?
    E LLEN: Sure, I’d love to hear a joke.
    C.S.: ______ ______ ____________ ______ ______ ______ ______,” ______ ______ ______?” ______ ______ ______ ______,” ______ ______ ______ ______!” ______ (______) ______.
    E LLEN: (Laughing hysterically) That’s hilarious. I usually don’t like dirty jokes, but that was very good. That was a great impersonation, too. I hate to be a bother, but do you know any other jokes?
    C.S.:______ ______ ______?
    E LLEN: Who’s there?
    C.S.: ______.
    E LLEN : Tomato, who?
    C.S.:______ ______ _____ ______ _______ ______ _____ ____ ___.
    E LLEN: (Laughing even harder than before) That is so clever. I never would have figured that one out in a million years.
    C.S.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______.
    E LLEN : You are absolutely right. But, I guess I’ve learned to see through the pain. You are very perceptive. Say, you know about me, I’d like to know about you. What are your dreams, your goals, your philosophy of life? I’d really, really like to know.
    CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______! ______ ______ ______ ______ ______? ______ ______ ______{______} ______ ______ ______ ______ ______.
    E LLEN: Uh-huh.
    CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______
    E LLEN: Yeah.
    CS.:______ ______ ______? ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______: ______ ______; ______; ______!!!!!!______ ______ ______ ______ ______.
    (Note:
I’m sure that you’d have a lot more to say, and I’d have let you go on for pages, but my editor insisted that Ihave more words. In his narrow worldview, your words don’t count toward the 60,000 words that I’m legally bound to provide for this book. And as much as I insisted that (your name) had some bold ideas that people ought to hear, he, obviously, felt otherwise. That’s life.)
    E LLEN: I agree with every word you said. Also, just to change the subject slightly, I think you’ve got the coolest clothes I’ve ever seen. I think I’m going to start dressing just like you.
    Just then I take a bite out of my sandwich and start choking. By the way, we’re both eating sandwiches. You’re eating a fried chicken sandwich—unless you’re vegetarian; then it can be a cucumber sandwich. If you haven’t been eating, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the beginning of our conversation, grab a sandwich, and start over again. Sorry, rules are rules.
    You reach behind me and give me the Heimlich maneuver. A chunk of food flies out of my mouth.
    E LLEN: You saved my life. For now on in I’m not going to call what you just did the Heimlich maneuver, I’m going to call it the (your name) maneuver. Honest. Is there anything I can do for you?
    C.S.: ______ ______ ______?
    E LLEN: Sure, how much do you need?
    CS, $______, ______, ______.
    E LLEN : That’s an awful lot of money, but … What the hey, you deserve it. Hey, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
    CS.: ______ ______ ______.
    E LLEN: Exactly. Let’s go right now. Time’s a wasting, my friend.
    fin
    And that is the end of the fantasy conversation. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did. Take care and see you next time.

experiments
in human
behavior

    S OME T HINGS T HAT I H ATE IN P