My Secret Lover

L
     
    Sorry. A
     
    It's not that I'm unhappy. It's just
that I feel I should be doing something with my life. L
     
    Really? L
     
    Think it's called a mid-life crisis.
A
     
    Mine can't be that, because I'm still
young, and I haven't done the marriage thing yet and failed like you have. L
     
    Thanks. A
     
    Sorry. I just meant that I haven't
even got to my mid life yet. I look like a woman in her mid thirties, but
inside, I don't really feel grown up. L
     
    I thought that is what a mid-life
crisis was. A
     
    Oh. That's one more thing to worry
about then. L
     
    What else worries you? A I'm not a
deep person. L
     
    Hoorah! A
     
    No, I meant, that's one of the things
that worries me. If I had to watch Samuel Becket or The Bill for the
rest of my life, I would choose The Bill without hesitation. L
     
    But why would you ever have to make
such a choice? A
     
    True. But don't you find it useful to
give yourself alternative universe scenarios to determine how you really feel?
L
     
    No. A
     
    I think it's a girl's thing. Did you
have an awful selfish thought after September 11th? L
     
    When I saw the towers collapse, I do
remember thinking, I wonder if this means I can give up my job? Will this do? A
     
    Not really. What is it you dislike
about your job? L
     
    I think I'm only doing it to prove
that I'm brave. It's a boy's thing. A
     
    You're clearly weird, but not as
awful and selfish as I hoped. L
     
    Have you ever been truly happy? A
     
    I sometimes think about this, and the
image I come up with is a day on holiday in Greece once. We hired motorbikes.
We didn't have driving licences or anything, but the man didn't care as long as
we left a deposit. It was really hot and there we were flying along this dusty
road with the wind in our hair, overtaking each other, yelling and laughing.
    I remember thinking, oh to hell with
it, if I die, I don't care! That's the moment I think of. L
     
    Who's we? A
     
    Canadian ex-boyfriend. L
    Bastard! A
     
    The waterslide in Portugal was a similar experience, but shorter, obviously. Maybe it's something to do with
confronting my fears, or being forced to lose control, or whatever. There used
to be flumes at Watford Springs, but Michelle says they've knocked it down to
build flats. Perhaps a rollercoaster? Or the luge? Although realistically, I am
a bit old and anyway there's only been snow here once in the last five years. L
     
    Do you think happiness is just about
moments, then? Maybe I'm wrong to see it as some sort of continuum. A
     
    No, you're right. Real happiness
would be a kind of glorious freedom from anxiety. I don't just mean weapons of
mass destruction and what George W. Bush might do next (are weapons of mass
destruction safe in the hands of a man who can't aim a pretzel into his own
mouth?). There's all sorts of other things too, like what's the Euro all about,
and how can I live my life thinking that the world is going to end tomorrow
when I have to earn my living today in case it doesn't? My sister thinks I try
to block it all out with trivia. The really alarming thing is that I think I
may just like trivia. L
     
    Does trivia make you happy? A
     
    It makes you good at quizzes, which
brings happiness of sorts. L
     
    Maybe the question we should ask
ourselves is not Am I happy? But, How can I be a better person? A
     
    It's late. I'm going to sleep on that
one. L
     
    Good night. A
     
    You didn't X. L
     
    Good nightXXXXXXXXXXXXXA
     
    Sorry to be so needy. L

39
     
    ‘Do you think you can have secrets
from the man you’re going to marry?’ I ask Michelle.
    It’s a nice evening for a change.
    We’re rocking gently backwards and
forwards on the swings in the park just like we used to do in the hour after
school before Crossroads.
    ‘You’re asking the wrong person,’ she
says.
    Kirsty is hanging upside down from
the monkey bars in her pink Britney Spears T-shirt and hipster jeans.
    ‘Seems like only yesterday she was a
baby,’ says Michelle. ‘And now she’s into her first teen bra.’
    ‘She’s only nine.’
    ‘They grow up younger these days.’
    ‘There are secrets, aren’t there?’ I
persist. ‘And then there’s things that you just haven’t discussed for one
reason or another.’
    ‘Because they’re secret,’ says
Michelle, as if she’s lighted on the solution to a crossword clue.
    ‘Do you think it’s possible to fancy
someone you haven’t met?’ I ask.
    ‘This isn’t about Robert Redford
again?’ says