Night Watch

great soldiers, by the undemanding standards of “Deduct Your Own Casualties From Those Of The Enemy, And If The Answer Is A Positive Sum, It Was A Glorious Victory” school of applied warfare. But Rust’s lack of any kind of military grasp was matched only by his high opinion of the talent he, in fact, possessed only in negative amounts.
    It hadn’t been Rust last time. He vaguely remembered some other dim captain. All these little changes…what would they add up to?
    I bet he’s only just been made a captain, thought Vimes. Just think of the lives I could save by accidentally cutting his head off now. Look at those blue eyes. Look at that stupid curly mustache. And he’s only going to get worse.
    “Are you Keel?” The voice was a bark.
    “Yessir.”
    “I sent an order for you to come up here an hour ago, man.”
    “Yessir. But I’ve been on duty all night and morning and there’s been rather a lot to attend to—”
    “I expect orders to be obeyed promptly, Sergeant.”
    “Yessir. So do I, sir. That’s why—”
    “Discipline starts at the top, Sergeant. The men obey you, you obey me, I obey my superiors.”
    “Glad to hear it, sir.” Rust had the same firm grip of common politeness, too.
    “What is all that going on in the yard?”
    Vimes steered according to the prevailing wind…
    “A bit of morale-building, sir. Instilling a bit of esprit de corps.”
    …and hit a reef. Rust raised his eyebrows.
    “Why?” he said. “The men’s job is to do what they are told, as is yours. A group hug is not part of the arrangement, is it?”
    “A bit of camaraderie helps the job along, sir. In my experience.”
    “Are you eyeballing me, Keel?”
    “No, sir. I am wearing an expression of honest doubt, sir. ‘Eyeballing’ is four steps up, right after ‘looking at you in a funny way,’ sir. By standard military custom and practice, sir, sergeants are allowed to go all the way up to an expression of acute—”
    “What’s that pip over your stripes, man?”
    “Means sergeant-at-arms, sir. They were a special kind of copper.”
    The captain grunted and glanced at the papers in front of him.
    “Lord Winder has received an extraordinary request that you be promoted to lieutenant, Sergeant. It has come from Captain Swing of the Particulars. And his lordship listens to Captain Swing. Oh, and he wants you to be transferred to the Particulars. Personally, I think the man is mad.”
    “I’m one hundred percent behind you there, sir.”
    “You do not wish to be a lieutenant?”
    “No, sir. Too long for Dick and too short for Richard, sir,” said Vimes, focusing on a point a few inches above Rust’s head.
    “What?”
    “Neither one thing nor t’other, sir.”
    “Oh, so you’d like to be a captain , eh?” said Rust, grinning evilly.
    “Nosir. Don’t want to be an officer, sir. Get confused when I see more’n one knife and fork on the table, sir.”
    “You certainly don’t look like officer material to me , Sergeant.”
    “Nosir. Thank you, sir.” Good old Rust. Good young Rust. The same unthinking rudeness masquerading as blunt speaking, the same stiff-neckedness, the same petty malice.
    Any sergeant worth his salt could see how to make use of that.
    “Wouldn’t mind transferring to the Particulars though, sir,” he volunteered. It was a bit of a gamble, but not much. Rust’s mind was reliable.
    “I expect you would like that, Keel,” said Rust. “No doubt you ran rings round that old fool Tilden and don’t fancy the idea of a captain with his finger on the pulse, eh? No, you can damn well stay here, understand?”
    Wonderful, thought Vimes. Sometimes it’s like watching a wasp land on a stinging nettle; someone’s going to get stung and you don’t care.
    “Yessir,” he said, eyes still staring straight ahead.
    “Have you shaved today, man?”
    “Excuse shaving, sir,” Vimes lied. “Doctor’s orders. Been sewn up onna face, sir. Could shave one half, sir.”
    He remained at eyes front while Rust grudgingly stared at him. The cut was still pretty livid, and Vimes hadn’t dared look under the patch yet.
    “Hit yourself in the face with your own bell, did you?” grunted the captain.
    Vimes’s fingers twitched. “Very funny, sir,” he said.
    “Now go and get the men fell in, Keel. Look sharp. I shall inspect them in a moment. And tell that idiot with the flat nose to clear the stable.”
    “Sir?”
    “My horse will be arriving shortly. I don’t want to see that