Nightside 02 - Agents of Light and Darkness

her, “why have they been killing people, and turning them to salt, and blowing up perfectly good buildings?”
    “We only punish the guilty,” said the chorused voice in the light. “And so many here are guilty of something.”
    Suzie looked at me. “They have a point.”
    “Of course,” said Merlin, “here, all the angels are cut off from their Masters. Poor things, they’re not used to having to think for themselves. Which is why they’ve made such a mess. Decision-making isn’t really what you do best, is it, boys?”
    “We are here for the Unholy Grail,” said the light.
    “Do you dare stand against us?” said the dark.
    “Why not?” said Merlin. “It wouldn’t be the first time, would it? Now back off, all of you, or I’ll fry your pinfeathers.”
    The light faded back a little, and the darkness stopped spreading, but the sense of surrounding presences was as strong as ever.
    “Taylor,” Suzie said urgently. “Tell me there was more to your plan than just this…”
    “Not even half of it,” I murmured. “Hang in there. Sir Merlin, with your leave I think I can sort out this whole mess in a way that will please… well, nobody really, but it’ll be a solution we can all live with. Live being a relative term, of course. I don’t know where the Unholy Grail is, but I’m pretty sure I know someone who does. You see everywhere, Sir Merlin, so could you please grab the Collector and bring him here?”
    Merlin gestured languidly with a heavily tattooed hand, and suddenly the Collector was standing right there in the pentacle with us. He looked around, startled, and his eyes all but popped out of their sockets with outrage. He started to say something, then saw Merlin sitting on his throne and shut his mouth quickly before it could get him into even more trouble. The Collector was a podgy, middle-aged man with a thick neck and a florid face, wearing a white jumpsuit and cape, as popularized by Elvis in his later days. It didn’t suit him at all.
    “Wow,” said Suzie, sticking the barrel of her shotgun in the Collector’s ear. “Now that’s what I call service.”
    “Oh shit,” said the Collector.
    “Language!” said Suzie. “There are angels present.”
    “Hello, Collector,” I said calmly. “How’s the leg?”
    “Taylor! I might have known you were behind this!” The Collector started to say something else, but Suzie shoved her gun a little further into his ear, and he stopped himself again. He glowered at me. “I had to grow a new leg, thanks to your interference all those years ago. Put me right off time-traveling. Never was cost-effective. And besides, I kept bumping into myself, and I kept giggling at me, which was unnerving, to say the least. Now will someone please tell me why I have been transported here against my will!”
    “Because you’re needed,” I said, and then hesitated, because I just had to know. “Is that outfit you’re wearing the real thing?”
    The Collector pulled himself up to his full, not particularly impressive, height, and preened. It wasn’t a pretty sight. “Of course it’s real! Graceland hasn’t even noticed it’s missing yet.”
    I grinned. “Are you wearing the authentic nappy under it?”
    The Collector’s eyes narrowed so much they almost disappeared. “What… do you want, Taylor?”
    “The Unholy Grail. You’ve got it.”
    “Yes, and I’m keeping it. The dark chalice is a totally unique piece. It’s going to be the pride of my collection. The rest of the collecting fraternity will just die when they hear I’ve got it!”
    “We could all die if we don’t get this mess sorted out right now,” I said.
    “Starting very definitely with you,” Suzie growled, applying a little more pressure to the gun barrel in the Collector’s reddening ear.
    He slapped the gun aside and glared right back at her. “Don’t you threaten me, Shooter. I’m protected in ways you can’t even imagine.”
    “Unfortunately, he probably is,” I said. “So ease off a little, Suzie. Collector, in case it’s slipped your attention, we are currently surrounded by whole armies of angels, all of whom would be quite willing to take you apart, right down to the molecular level, while still keeping you alive and aware and screaming horribly if that’s what it takes to get you to hand over the Unholy Grail. Only Merlin’s power is holding them back, for the moment. You really think your protections are good enough to hold off a whole bunch