Nightside 11 - A Hard Days Knight

rushing past me as I fell and fell into endless depths. My lungs strained for air, and I hoped Suzie had thought to take a deep breath, too. We sank down and down, then suddenly, without actually changing direction, we were rising, forced up by the pressure of the rushing water, until finally Suzie and I broke the surface together. A low stone wall appeared before me, and I grabbed on to it with my free hand. Suzie was right there beside me, and we hung on to the wall together, gasping like beached fish. It was only then that I realised we were in the oracle wishing well, in the Mammon Emporium.
    Suzie and I clung to the stone wall while the oracle made loud coughing and hacking noises and complained bitterly about frogs in its throat. My lungs were working overtime, my heart was hammering in my chest, and I was soaked right down to the skin; but still, it was good to be home. I grinned at Suzie, and she smiled briefly back. We’d survived another one.
    “Where the hell have you been?” screeched the oracle. “And what in God’s good Earth have you been treading in? I’m never going to get this taste out of my mouth. And oh my God, it’s that woman again. You peed in me, you bitch! Just for that, I’m going to tell everyone who asks me about their future that they can be King of Everything if only they’ll kill you first.”
    “One more nasty word out of you,” I said, “and I will have you filled up to the brim with concrete. The Mall owes me a favour.”
    “Bully,” muttered the oracle.
    After a while, Suzie and I hauled ourselves up and out of the wishing well, then stomped in circles round it, trying to wring the water out of our clothes. But you can’t really wring water out of a trench coat—or, indeed, black leathers. Besides which, despite our complete immersion in Gaea’s marvellous waters, our clothes were still incredibly filthy. And disgustingly smelly. The bottom half of my trench coat had turned a completely new and revolting colour, from dried blood and mud and other things I didn’t want to look at too closely. And I didn’t even want to think about what was squelching inside my shoes. Suzie’s leathers were caked in a kind of nasty-smelling crust, and she was leaving a trail behind her.
    “We need a cleaner,” I said firmly. “I am not walking round the Nightside looking and smelling like this. Even Razor Eddie doesn’t smell this bad, and he sleeps in doorways. People would point and throw things.”
    “Not twice, they wouldn’t,” said Suzie.

    We ended up at Unconventional Solutions, a twenty-four-hour emergency cleaners that boasted it could handle absolutely anything, from dragon’s blood to Martian slime. If you can beat it down with a stick and wrestle it through the door, we can make it shine and sparkle! promised the sign over the door. So Suzie and I walked in, and a moment later, everyone else rushed out. It might have been because they recognised Suzie and me, or it might have been because of the smell, which was so intense it practically had its own colour. The girl trapped behind the counter, wearing a smart white outfit, and a badge that said HI! I’M TRACY, glared at both of us with open loathing.
    “Well, thanks a whole bunch for the loss of custom. Though if I weren’t pinned behind this desk, I would also be legging it for the nearest horizon. What is that smell ? It’s worse than the toilets at a vegetarian restaurant. It’s like tear gas! My eyes, my eyes ... What is that? ”
    “Trust me,” I said. “You really don’t want to know. Can you do anything with these clothes?”
    Tracy sniffed loudly. “How about shooting them, then burying them at sea?”
    “You do know who I am, don’t you?” said Suzie.
    “Of course. They put warning posters about you all over the Mall.”
    “You really want me to get cranky?”
    “You wouldn’t like her when she’s cranky,” I said solemnly.
    “Strip it all off and stick them in the bags provided,” Tracy said resignedly. “I suppose you want the Emergency Special Biohazard Deep Clean While You Wait service?”
    “Sounds good to me,” I said.
    Tracy pointed to the changing cubicles, and Suzie and I chose one each. Togetherness is all very well, but the smell was bad enough on its own. Combined together in a small space, it would probably have blown the door off the cubicle. I removed my trench coat with great care, looked at the state of the clothes underneath, gulped, and took it all off. I