Notorious Nineteen

Lula and I walked through the casino to get to the boardwalk and the beach. A chunk of the beach had been screened off so as not to offend the modest people who weren’t crazy about seeing eighty-year-old naked guys. There was a concession stand and a changing room that opened onto the beach. Admission was twenty dollars. I tried to badge my way through but the woman at the door wasn’t seeing it.
    “No one gets through without a ticket,” she said. “I don’t care if you’re a cop, the tooth fairy, or Jesus Christ.”
    “That’s blasphemy,” Lula said to her. “You better watchwhat you say or you’re going straight to hell. God don’t like people implying he needs a ticket.”
    We went to the concession stand and bought hotdogs, French fries, fried dough for dessert, and two tickets. We gave our tickets to the woman at the door and were allowed into the women’s locker room. We were stopped when we tried to get onto the beach.
    “This is an all nude beach,” we were told by a large woman in a casino uniform. “You can’t go out with clothes on.”
    “I’ll only be a minute,” I said. “I’m looking for Arthur Beasley.”
    “He’s the bartender at the Surf Bar,” she said, “but you still have to take your clothes off.”
    I showed her my credentials. “He’s in violation of his bond. I need to return him to the court.”
    “That’s all well and good,” she said, “but you’re gonna have to do it naked.”
    Lula and I retreated back into the locker room.
    “I’m not going out there naked,” I said.
    “Yeah, I see the problem. It’s sort of awkward trying to arrest someone with your hoo-ha showing. Kind of takes away the dignity of the apprehension procedure.”
    I looked at my watch. “We’ll have to wait until he goes off his shift. We can catch him when he leaves.”
    “That might not be until five o’clock,” Lula said. “I can’t wait here that long. I got a big date tonight. I need to get ready.I don’t even know what I’m gonna wear.” Lula kicked her shoes off. “I’m going out there. I haven’t got time to mess around with this.”
    She peeled her tank top off and shimmied out of her spandex skirt. She stuck her thumb into the waistband of her thong, and I clapped my hands over my eyes.
    “What the heck are you doing?” she asked.
    “Giving you some privacy.”
    “Girl, I’m taking my bare ass out onto that beach. I don’t think you gotta worry about my privacy.”
    I uncovered my eyes but I looked down at the floor. I wasn’t ready to see Lula naked.
    “Uh-oh,” Lula said. “I got a problem. Where am I gonna hide my handcuffs and stun gun?”
    “You can’t take your stun gun out there. Stun guns are illegal. You’ll get arrested if you use it out in the open. You can hide the cuffs in a towel. They have a stack of towels by the door.”
    “Okay, here I go,” Lula said. “I’ll be right back with the little runt.”
    I sat on a bench and waited for Lula. Ten minutes went by. Fifteen minutes. Finally the door opened and Lula walked in all by herself.
    “I couldn’t get him,” Lula said. “He didn’t want to cooperate.”
    “What took you so long?”
    “Well, first he was making drinks for everybody so I had towait in line. And then it was hot out there, and I got thirsty, so I had a mojito. And what it comes down to is you gotta help catch him. He kept dancing away from me. I figure if one of us distracts him, the other one can sneak up from behind and cuff him.”
    “No way.”
    “It’s not so bad. Once you get used to being naked you get to like it. It’s real liberating. And there’s parts of you feeling the ocean breeze that never felt the ocean breeze before. I might come back here on my own someday except I’m not sure it’s worth twenty dollars. I might come back if they have a discount day.”
    “Someone will take my picture with their cellphone, and I’ll be on YouTube.”
    “They don’t let you take a cellphone out there. Anyways if you want this loser you’re gonna have to get your clothes off.”
    I squinched my eyes shut and grunted. “Great. Fine. No big deal.” I kicked my shoes off, ripped my T-shirt over my head, and shoved my jeans down to my ankles. I took the rest of my clothes off and rammed them into a locker along with our purses. I turned the key in the lock and slipped the rubber bracelet with the key onto my wrist. Lula and I each had cuffs.
    “Maybe you should take your pepper spray,” Lula