Reaper Man

to…put a stop to him. For his own good.”
    “That’s right,” said Ridcully. “For his own good. Shouldn’t be too hard. There must be dozens of ways to deal with an undead.”
    “Garlic,” said the Senior Wrangler flatly. “Undead don’t like garlic.”
    “Don’t blame them. Can’t stand the stuff,” said the Dean.
    “Undead! Undead!” said the Bursar, pointing an accusing finger. They ignored him.
    “Yes, and then there’s sacred items,” said the Senior Wrangler. “Your basic undead crumbles into dust as soon as look at ’em. And they don’t like daylight. And if the worst comes to worst, you bury them at a crossroads. That’s surefire, that is. And you stick a stake in them to make sure they don’t get up again.”
    “With garlic on it,” said the Bursar.
    “Well, yes. I suppose you could put garlic on it,” the Senior Wrangler conceded, reluctantly.
    “I don’t think you should put garlic on a good steak,” said the Dean. “Just a little oil and seasoning.”
    “Red pepper is nice,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, happily.
    “Shut up,” said the Archchancellor.

    Plop .
    The cupboard door’s hinges finally gave way, spilling its contents into the room.

    Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.
    When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big.
    There was a school of thought that believed the best way to get recognized as a keen guardian of the law in Ankh-Morpork would be to patrol the streets and alleys, bribe informants, follow suspects and so on.
    Sergeant Colon played truant from this particular school. Not, he would hasten to say, because trying to keep down crime in Ankh-Morpork was like trying to keep down salt in the sea and the only recognition any keen guardian of the law was likely to get was the sort that goes, “Hey, that body in the gutter, isn’t that old Sergeant Colon?” but because the modern, go-ahead, intelligent law officer ought to be always one jump ahead of the contemporary criminal. One day someone was bound to try to steal the Brass Bridge, and then they’d find Sergeant Colon right there waiting for them.
    In the meantime, it offered a quiet place out of the wind where he could have a relaxing smoke and probably not see anything that would upset him.
    He leaned with his elbows on the parapet, wondering vaguely about Life.
    A figure stumbled out of the mist. Sergeant Colon recognized the familiar pointy hat of a wizard.
    “Good evening, officer,” its wearer croaked.
    “Morning, y’honor.”
    “Would you be kind enough to help me up onto the parapet, officer?”
    Sergeant Colon hesitated. But the chap was a wizard. A man could get into serious trouble not helping wizards.
    “Trying out some new magic, y’honor?” he said, brightly, helping the skinny but surprisingly heavy body up onto the crumbling stonework.
    “No.”
    Windle Poons stepped off the bridge. There was a squelch. *
    Sergeant Colon looked down as the waters of the Ankh closed again, slowly.
    Those wizards. Always up to something.
    He watched for a while. After several minutes there was a disturbance in the scum and debris near the base of one of the pillars of the bridge, where a flight of greasy stairs led down to the water.
    A pointy hat appeared.
    Sergeant Colon heard the wizard slowly climb the stairs, swearing under his breath.
    Windle Poons reached the top of the bridge again. He was soaked.
    “You want to go and get changed,” Sergeant Colon volunteered. “You could catch your death, standing around like that.”
    “Hah!”
    “Get your feet in front of a roaring fire, that’s what I’d do.”
    “Hah!”
    Sergeant Colon looked at Windle Poons in his own private puddle.
    “You been trying some special kind of underwater magic, y’honor?” he ventured.
    “Not exactly, officer.”
    “I’ve always wondered about what it’s like under water,” said Sergeant Colon, encouragingly. “The myst’ries of the deep, strange and wonderful creatures…my mum told me a tale once, about this little boy what turned into a mermaid, well, not a mer maid , and he had all these adventures under the s—”
    His voice drained away under Windle Poons’ dreadful stare.
    “It’s boring,” said Windle. He turned and started to lurch away into the mist. “Very, very boring. Very boring indeed.”
    Sergeant Colon was left alone. He lit