S Is for Silence

picked up the mail. Moments later, Daisy followed me in.
    I tossed the stack of envelopes on the desk and said, “Hey, how are you?” in that breezy offhand manner that conceals emotional injury. I sat down in my swivel chair.
    She took the seat on the other side of the desk. She seemed uncomfortable, but I wasn’t going to make it any easier on her. Finally, she said, “Look, I know I should have called you, and I’m sorry. I stopped by Sneaky Pete’s, and Tannie’s so mad she’s hardly speaking to me. I owe you both an apology.”
    “You did leave us hanging.”
    “I’m aware of that,” she said. Her gaze traveled over the surface of my desk. She was probably desperate for a cigarette, but the absence of an ashtray must have made her think better of it. “I know this sounds feeble, but I didn’t know what to say. It’s taken me this long to figure it out. I knew I was depressed, and it didn’t seem right to inflict myself on anyone until I felt better about life.”
    “I can understand the depression,” I said.
    “I’m glad you can. It surprised the hell out of me. I don’t know what I expected. I guess I thought if I ever found out what happened to my mother, everything would be different, so I was sitting around waiting for the big magical change. One day I realized my life was the same old shit heap it’s always been. I was still drinking too much and taking up with all the wrong men. I was also bored out of my mind.”
    “With what?”
    “You name it. My job, my house, my hair, my clothes. I had one session with a new shrink, and the whole time I was pissed off about the money I was having to spend.”
    “What’d you do?”
    “I quit therapy for starters and then I just waited it out. Yesterday I got it. I was sitting at my desk transcribing some doctor’s notes and doing a damn fine job of it as usual, when it occurred to me that I’d spent the first seven years of my life trying to be good so my mother would love me and take care of me. Well, that clearly didn’t work. Then, after she left, I kept on being good, thinking maybe I could make her come back.”
    “And when she didn’t?”
    Daisy shrugged, smiling. “I decided I might as well be bad and enjoy myself. Turns out she was dead the whole time, so my behavior didn’t matter one way or the other. Good, bad? What difference did it make?”
    “And that made you feel better?”
    She laughed. “No, but here’s what did. It dawned on me that if she’d lived…if she’d been alive…she might have come home of her own accord. She might have missed me a lot, and maybe she’d have realized how much she cared. She might have decided to swing back, pick me up, and take me with her this time. I’ll really never know, but I have just as much reason to believe in that possibility as the opposite. What made me feel better was realizing I don’t have to live like someone who’s been rejected and abandoned. I can choose any view I want. Death took away her options, but I still have mine.”
    I studied her. “That’s nice. I like that. So now what?”
    “I’ll look for a new job, maybe in Santa Maria, maybe somewhere else. I doubt I’ll quit drinking, but at least I’m not biting my nails. When it comes to men, I don’t know, but I decided it’s better to be by myself until I get my head on straight. That’s a big one for me.”
    “That’s huge.”
    “Thanks. I thought so.” She let out a big breath. “So now I’m wondering if you’re in the mood for a spicy cheese-and-salami sandwich. My treat,” she said.
    “Sure, if I can have it with a fried egg on top.”
    “You can have it any way you want. Tannie said she’d be heating up the grill.”
    And that didn’t seem like a bad way to have the matter end.