Science of Discworld III

is right inside the High Energy Magic Building,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘We’re thousands of miles way, I suspect. Could I possibly suggest we all endeavour to crawl away in different directions? If you, Dean, head for that little bush with the red flowers, and Rincewind – where’s Rincewind?’
    ‘Here,’ said a muffled voice from under the sand.
    ‘Sorry … you head for that rock there …’
    By degrees, with only the occasional curse, the wizards were able to get to their unseen feet.
    ‘This is Mono Island, I recognise that mountain,’ said Ridcully. ‘Look out for—’
    ‘Why didn’t we just bop him on the head?’ said the Dean. ‘Just atap on the noggin? Then we could have dragged him back here, end of problem.’
    ‘But it’s quantum,’ said Rincewind. ‘We have to deal with what’s happened. If we stop it happening before it happens, the other things we’ve …’ he hesitated. ‘Look, it’s quantum. Believe me, I’d prefer it the other way.’
    ‘Anyway, you can’t just bop gods on the head,’ said Ridcully, now a faint outline against the distant ocean. ‘It doesn’t usually work and it causes talk. The other gods would be bound to hear about it, too.’
    ‘So? None of them like him. They exiled him here after he invented the hermit elephant!’ said the Dean, who was also fading into view.
    ‘It’s the look of the thing,’ said Ridcully. ‘They don’t want to encourage deicide. Besides, look up there …’
    ‘Oh dear,’ said Rincewind. ‘Auditors …’
    A grey cloud was rolling down the mountain. As it neared, it contracted upon itself, growing darker.
    ‘They’ve learned things,’ said Ridcully. ‘They’ve never done that before. Oh, well … Rincewind, first line of defence, if you please. And hurry!’
    Rincewind, who’d always operated on the assumption that if you carried a weapon you were giving the enemy something extra to hit you with, held up a placard. It read: GO AWAY.
    ‘Stibbons says it should work,’ said Ridcully, uncertainly.
    The Auditors drew closer, merging until, now, only half a dozen were left. They were dark, and full of menace.
    ‘Ah, they probably aren’t the reading sort, then,’ said Ridcully. ‘Gentlemen, it’s chocolate time …’
    It had to be said that the most of the wizards were not natural aimers. A spell went where you wanted it to go. You just had to wave in the general direction. They’d never learned to be serious about pointing.
    Some shots went home. When several hit an Auditor it let out a thin scream and began to break up into its component robes, which then evaporated. But one, slightly large than the others, zigged andzagged through the tumbling chocolates. Auditors did learn here … and the wizards were running out of chocolate.
    ‘Hold it,’ said the Dean, pointing his bow.
    The shape stopped.
    ‘Ah,’ said the Dean, happily. ‘Ha, I expect you are wondering, eh, I expect you are wondering, indeed, if I have any chocolate left? And as a matter of fact I’m no—’
    ‘No,’ said the Auditor, drifting forward.
    ‘What? Pardon?’
    ‘I am not wondering if you have any chocolate left,’ said the dark apparition. ‘You have none left. The Higgs & Meakins Luxury Assortment comprises two each of: Walnut Whips, Strawberry Whirls, Caramel Bars, Violet Creams, Coffee Creams, Cherry Whips and Walnut Clusters and one each of Almond Delight, Vanilla Cup, Peach Cream, Coffee Fondue and Lemon Extravaganza.’
    The Dean smiled the smile of a man whose Hogswatches had come all at once. He raised the bow.
    ‘Then be so kind as to say good day to the Nougat Surprise!’
    There was a twang. The sweet flew. For a moment the Auditor wavered, and the wizards held their breath. Then, with the slightest of whimpers, it faded into nothing.
    ‘Everyone forgets the Nougat Surprise,’ said the Dean, turning to the other wizards. ‘I suppose it’s because it’s so irredeemably awful.’
    There was nothing but the sound of the sea for a few seconds. Then:
    ‘Er … well done, Dean,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Thank you, Archchancellor.’
    ‘A little too showy, nevertheless. I mean, you didn’t have to chat to the thing.’
    ‘I wasn’t in fact sure if I had used the nougat,’ said the Dean, still smiling. Quite an effort would be needed to wipe that smile away, Ridcully knew, and so he gave up.
    ‘Good show, all the same,’ he mumbled, and then raised his voice.‘If you can hear me, Hex … back