Science of Discworld III

said.
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘Why won’t I tread on this fish?’
    ‘Because you will be lookin’ where you are treadin’, Mr Pennysmart,’ roared Ridcully.
    But a forest of other hands had gone up. About the only wizard without a hand aloft was Rincewind, who was staring gloomily at his feet.
    ‘What’s all this about?’ said the Archchancellor, irritably.
    ‘ Why have I got to move a chair six inches? ’
    ‘ Why have I got to fill up a hole in the middle of a prairie? ’
    ‘ Why have I got to hide a pair of trousers? ’
    ‘ Why have I got to stuff a letter box full of starved snails? ’
    Ponder waved his clipboard wildly to silence the clamour.
    ‘Because otherwise Darwin would have fallen off a chair or been thrown from a horse or would have been struck by a stone hurled by a rioter or an unwise letter would have reached its destination,’ he said. ‘But there are more than two thousand tasks, so I can’texplain every one. Some of them are the start of a quite astonishing causal chain.’
    ‘We are supposed to develop questioning minds, you know,’ someone muttered.
    ‘Yes, but not regarding university policy!’ said Ridcully. ‘You all have very simple jobs to do! Gentlemen, Mr Stibbons will call out your names, and you will step smartly into the circle! Over to you, Mr Stibbons!’
    Ponder Stibbons picked up a different clipboard. He was beginning to collect clipboards. They proclaimed order in an increasingly hard-to-understand world. That’s all I’ve ever really wanted, he thought. I just want to feel that things are being ticked off properly.
    ‘Now, chaps,’ he said. ‘This should not be hard, as the Archchancellor has said. If at all possible don’t talk to anyone and don’t touch anything. In and out, that’s the ticket. I want this done fast. I have a … theory about that. So don’t waste time, wherever you go. Are we all ready? Very well … Aardvarker, Professor A …’
    One by one, with confidence or trepidation or a mixture of both, wizards stepped into Hex’s circle of light and vanished. As they did so, little pointy-hatted wizard symbols appeared at points in the tangle of lights above.
    Rincewind watched gloomily, and didn’t join in the ragged cheer as, one by one, red circles began to wink out.
    Ponder had taken him aside earlier and had explained that, since Rincewind was so experienced at this sort of thing, he was going to be given four of the most, er, interesting tasks. That was how he had put it: ‘er, interesting’. Rincewind knew all about ‘er, interesting’. There was a giant squid out there with his name on it, that’s what it meant.
    A movement at the end on the hall made him look around. It was a chest, a metal-bound box of the kind favoured by people who bury treasure, and it walked on hundreds of little pink legs. He groaned. He’d left it asleep on the wardrobe in his bedroom, with its feet in the air.
    ‘Hmm?’ he said.
    ‘Rincewind! Off you go, best of luck!’ Ponder repeated. ‘Hurry up!’
    There was nothing for it. Rincewind walked into the circle, and fell over as the ship moved gently under him.
    It was dawn, and a clammy sea mist was drifting across the deck. Rigging creaked, the water lapped far below. There was no other sound. The air smelled warm and exotic.
    There was a small cannon only a few feet away. Rincewind knew about them. He was the only wizard to have seen one, over in the Agatean Empire, where they were known as ‘Barking Dogs’. He was sure that one of the rules associated with them was ‘do not stand in front’.
    Slowly, he reached inside his shirt and pulled out his pointy hat. It was red, or rather, it was the colour that red becomes after being washed, eaten, retrieved, scorched, buried, crushed, engulfed, washed again and wrung out far, far too often.
    No wearing of pointy hats? Were they mad? He pulled at it a bit to get it back to its comfortable shapeless shape, and put it on. That felt much better. A pointy hat meant you weren’t just anyone .
    He unrolled his instructions.
    1. Remove ball from ‘cannon’
    There was no one around. There was a stack of metal balls by the cannon. Rincewind pulled the barrel around with some effort, felt down the hole, and grunted as his fingers touched the top of another ball at the far end.
    How could he get it out? The way to get a ball out of a Barking Dog was to set a match to its tail, but Ponder had said this wasn’t an option. He cast around, and saw a bundle