Shame

wondering what this was about before they retreated one by one into darkness. Monika felt even more vulnerable now, as if she were sitting naked on her chair and no longer knew whose eyes to hide from. The leg of a chair scraped on the floor. She was sorry that she had let herself be talked into coming.
    ‘I’m going to say six words. I want you to pay attention to your thoughts and above all notice the first specific memory that comes to mind when you hear them.’
    Someone coughed to Monika’s left. Only a faint whirring from the air conditioning broke the silence.
    ‘Are you ready? Then we’ll begin.’
    Monika shifted position on her chair.
    The woman paused at length between the words to give them time to sink in.
    ‘Fear … Sorrow … Anger … Jealousy … Love … Shame …’
    A long silence followed, and Monika was all too conscious of both her thoughts and the specific memory they had evoked. Six thoughts, straight as an arrow, which mercilessly forced her towards the precise memory she wanted to forget most of all. She opened her eyes to break the spell.
    The urge to get up and leave was overwhelming.
    Most of the people around her remained sitting with their eyes closed; only a few had fled from the experience behind their eyelids. Now their shameful gazes met, only to rush on in a desperate search for a way out.
    ‘Are you ready? Then open your eyes.’
    Their eyes opened and bodies shifted. Some were smiling and others looked as though they were reflecting on their thoughts.
    ‘Did it go well?’
    Many nodded while others looked more doubtful. Monika sat quite still. She did not reveal with any expression what she was feeling. The woman in the centre smiled.
    ‘It’s been said that these six feelings are universal and that they’re found in every culture on earth. Since we’re going to talk about people’s basic needs in the next exercise, it would be rather stupid not to make use of our expertise. I think that what you were thinking of just now when we did this was the event, or at least one of the few events, that has been most crucial in your lives and that has influenced you most.’
    Monika clenched her fists and felt her nails pressing into her palms.
    ‘When you introduce yourselves, if there’s anyone who wants to tell the rest of us what they were thinking about, you’re more than welcome to do so. But I can’t force you, of course, and above all I can’t check that you’re telling the truth.’
    Scattered smiles, even laughter from some of them.
    ‘Who wants to start?’
    No one volunteered. Monika tried to make herself invisible by sitting utterly still and looking at her lap. She had come here voluntarily. At this moment that was impossible to comprehend. Then she sensed a movement to her right and saw to her horror that the man next to her was raising his hand.
    ‘I’ll start.’
    ‘Fine.’
    The smiling woman moved closer to read his name tag.
    ‘Mattias, go ahead.’
    Monika was having heart palpitations. By raising his hand he had instigated a natural starting sequence and suddenly it would be her turn next. She had to think up something to say.
    Something different.
    ‘Okay, well, I’ll do as I’ve been told, like the obedient student I am, and skip all the formalities and such and get straight to the important stuff.’
    Monika turned her head and stole a glance at him. Just over thirty. Jeans and a polo shirt. He looked around the circle as a means of greeting everyone, and for a second their eyes met. His whole being radiated self-confidence without being full of arrogance. Merely a healthy sense of self that made the others relax. But it didn’t help her.
    He scratched the back of his neck for a moment.
    ‘For me it wasn’t a specific event I thought of, but a process that continued for several years. But I didn’t need to do this exercise to know that the most important moment in my life was when my wife took her first hesitant steps again.’
    He paused, picked at something on the arm of his chair and cleared his throat.
    ‘It was a little more than five years ago now. We were quite advanced scuba divers in those days. Pernilla, that’s my wife, and I, were out with four friends diving in a shipwreck when the accident happened.’
    It was evident that he had told this story many times. The words came loosely and easily and nothing was hard to admit.
    ‘There was nothing particularly special about that day, we had made dives like this hundreds of