Shame

was real. It throbbed. He must have cut it on the tree. He focused on the finger. It was something tangible. He used it as a reality check, a way out of the kaleidoscope. An awareness filtered through: he could see his finger. There was now enough light for him to examine it. Daylight had finally arrived.
    Caleb lifted his head, fought off the dizziness. Nearby he heard voices. Hallucinating again, he thought. He clenched his teeth together, but unless Caleb was a ventriloquist he wasn’t responsible for the verbalizing. The loud voice was familiar to him. It projected, as if playing to an audience, and came across as equal parts playful, saucy, and enticing.
    “I’m looking for my pussy. You haven’t seen her, have you? I have a description of her right here. She answers to the name of Precious. She’s a real purr-box, black and soft and gentle.”
    Lola.
    Impossible, of course. His mind had to be playing tricks. But he could even see her on the street. She was only about fifty yards away, as the hallucination flies. She was wearing a form-fitting red bathrobe that had little underneath it and walking around in slippers.
    But this delusion was different from the others, wasn’t so dreamlike and frenzied. And the fantasy didn’t shift or disappear. Lola kept talking about her missing cat. Strange hallucination, Caleb thought. He knew that Lola didn’t have a cat.
    “You sure you haven’t seen her? Can’t keep that pussy at home. No, sir.”
    The young man appeared very sympathetic. Phantasmagoria, Caleb thought, pulling the word from somewhere in his head. But that certain knowledge didn’t vanquish the images. He could still hear them and see them.
    “Well, thank you anyway,” said Lola. “Keep your eyes open for me.”
    The student looked more than happy to accommodate her request. In fact, she needn’t even have asked. His eyes were allover her, but it wasn’t the young man’s fault. Lola was acting the coquette.
    You’re not even a real woman, Caleb almost yelled. But he didn’t, because he was suddenly certain she was real.
    Lola finished with the student. When he got into his car, there was a big smile on his face. The smile was still there as he drove past Caleb’s tree.
    “Lola.” His voice was weak. Even Caleb could barely hear it. “Lola.” Louder this time, but hardly a shout.
    It stopped her, though. She looked around.
    “Up here.”
    She scrutinized the tree until she picked him out. “There you are, sugar,” she said, as if she had expected to find him there. “You just stay put while I get the car.”
    She turned around, made a left at the corner, and was lost from sight. In her absence, Caleb began to doubt what he’d seen. He was so lightheaded that focusing was difficult. His lips were dry and cracked, and his throat ached from being so parched. His clearest thoughts revolved around water.
    “Come on down.”
    Her voice again. Below, he could see her motioning for him to climb down. Caleb loosened his hold on the branches, but getting down wasn’t easy. Everything hurt. Moving just reopened wounds. He felt as if he were being killed by inches. He thought of letting go and dropping to the ground, but he still had enough awareness to not want to break any bones. Lola talked him down.
    “That’s it, honey. You’re almost there. Just a little more. I can see it hurts, but relief’s only a few feet away. That’s it.”
    She reached up to ease his descent, and he ended up in her arms. Together, with Caleb leaning heavily on her, they made their way over to the Mustang.
    “You’re hot,” she said, then felt his forehead with the back of her hand. “Oh, Jesus. You’re burning up. I got some Evian in myworkout bag. Now don’t you go collapsing on me. I can’t carry you. Come on, just a little farther.”
    Once in the car, Caleb sat unmoving, his eyes closed, but he revived at the sound of a water bottle being uncapped. His eyes remained closed even as he upended the bottle and started drinking. Lola thought he looked like a newborn animal in the zoo nursery. Sometimes she went there just to see them, little ones too young to open their eyes but old enough to hold on to their bottles for dear life.
    “I’m taking you to the hospital,” Lola said.
    He shook his head and the empty bottle with it before removing it from his mouth. His eyes remained closed.
    “I need some more time to think,” Caleb said. “I almost caught him.”
    “Is that how you got so