Silence Of The Hams

some island where there are no children allowed—“
    “We’re attending the deli opening because my firstborn has a summer job at the deli and it’s motherly to rally around—“
    “But I’m not Mike’s mother,“ Shelley grumbled.
    “—and mainly because Conrad and Sarah Baker are nice people who need all the support they can get.“
    “Oh-ho. Look out,“ Shelley said, pointing ahead of them on the sidewalk. A terribly fit, handsome man in his late forties was jogging toward them. He had one hand on his throat, apparently taking his pulse, and was looking at the watch on his other arm as he ran. He never did look up as he ran right between them.
    “Excuse me?“ Shelley called after him.
    He turned, flashed a Hollywood-ish smile almost as showy and brilliant as his impressive prematurely white hair, and waved at them. It wasn’t an apologetic wave, more of an acknowledgment of minions who had done well in staying out of his way.
    At least, that was Jane’s take. “He’s a prize jerk,“ she said.
    “Who was that?“ a voice called out of the darkness.
    Jane and Shelley detoured to join their neighbor Suzie, who was sitting on her front porch. Suzie Williams was a big woman, platinum blond and terribly frank. Jane thought of her as a nineties version of Mae West, but stunningly beautiful. Not only were they neighbors, but Suzie had a son the same grade as Jane’s youngest and Shelley’s boy. They’d all sat through a seemingly endless number of school plays, Cub Scout pack meetings, and summer softball and soccer games together.
    “Are you sitting here in the dark trying to waylay men?“ Jane asked Suzie, joining her on the porch.
    “Worse things could happen,“ Suzie said with a dazzling smile. “So who was he?“
    “You don’t want to even consider it, Suzie,“ Shelley said. “He’s Robert Stonecipher and he’s a prize bastard.“
    “Stonecipher,“ Suzie mused. “I’ve heard of him, I think. An attorney, isn’t he? Well, he might have enough money to take me away from the dizzying whirl of selling girdles for a living.“
    “Probably not,“ Jane said. “He’s got a wife and, I hear, a girlfriend.“
    “A girlfriend?“ Shelley asked. “Who?”
    “My source didn’t know,“ Jane answered. “Oh, wait. He’s the PCA, isn’t he?“ Suzie asked.
    “PCA?“
    “Politically Correct Asshole,“ Suzie said. “The one who’s always trying to push weird stuff through the town council?“
    “Right,“ Jane said. “Cat leash laws. No smoking anywhere, ever. Widening all the roads to provide running and biking lanes—“
    “—four handicapped parking places at every place of business, twenty-mile-an-hour speed zones throughout the whole of the town—“ Shelley added.
    “—and full nutritional information on all restaurant menus,“ Suzie said. “I remember the slugfest over that one. If I wanted to eat healthy crap, which I don’t, I’d stay home and fix it. Oh, and the crusade about the R-rated videos? He wanted to outlaw their rentals.“
    “You mean X-rated?“ Shelley asked.
    “No, I do not. There’s all sorts of rules about X-rated. He wanted to make it a criminal offense to rent an R-rated movie. Jeez! If it weren’t for R-rated movies, I’d have no sex life at all!“
    “His latest effort was trying to shut down the Bakers’ new deli,“ Jane said.
    “Deli? Oh, that house at the end of the next block? How are they getting away with putting a business in a residential area anyway?“ Suzie asked.
    “Some quirk in the zoning laws,“ Jane said.
    “Mike told me about it. He’s working as a delivery boy for them this summer, you know. Apparently the house was the first on the block—an old farmstead. During World War II the people who lived there had a big garden and raised chickens and sold vegetables and eggs at a roadside stand. I guess they were still doing it when the township was incorporated or whatever townships do and so there was a grandfather clause.”
    Shelley had sat down on the other side of Suzie and suddenly said, “Oh, yes! When I was a kid growing up here, my mother bought eggs from them. I’d completely forgotten that.“
    “I guess everybody had,“ Jane said. “When Conrad’s wife and her sister inherited the house, they came back here to sell the place—did you know Conrad or Sarah, Shelley?“
    “Only slightly. Conrad was two years ahead of me and Sarah was a year behind. Grace Axton—that’s Sarah’s sister—was in