Silent Run

“We’ll search,” he said. “But let’s try this first."
    After a moment’s hesitation Sarah took a seat at the table. He sat down across from her and watched her stare down at the paper.
    â€œI don’t know what you think is going to come out of my head,” she said. “It’s as blank as this page."
    â€œYou’re trying too hard."
    â€œNow I’m trying too hard? Usually you don’t think I’m trying hard enough."
    â€œJust close your eyes and then draw whatever image comes to your mind. Let yourself go. I know you can do it."
    She gazed back at him for long seconds, and he felt his stomach turn over with feelings he didn’t want to feel.
    â€œYou have faith in me,” she whispered.
    He cleared his throat, not wanting to go down that road. “Draw, Sarah. Draw something you feel. Listen to your heart, not your head."
    Sarah put the pencil to the paper but didn’t make a move. She appeared lost in thought for several long minutes. He was beginning to think the experiment was a waste of time when she began to sketch, slowly at first and then with more purpose and enthusiasm. In a few minutes she was finished. She pushed the paper across the table and looked at him. “I feel as if this place is important to me."
    He felt the blood drain from his face as he stared down at the picture she’d drawn.
    â€œJake? What is it? Do you know this place?” she asked, giving him a concerned look. “What’s wrong?"
    He didn’t know if he could get the words out. He was quite simply stunned. “That’s the house I designed for us, the one we were building together. You drew it better than I did.” He looked into her eyes and felt the ice around his heart crack and melt. Sarah had remembered their house, the place where they were going to share their lives together, create a family. He’d never realized she’d studied the design in so much detail that she could actually re-create it as she’d done.
    â€œI thought it was my home,” she said.
    â€œIt was going to be. We hadn’t finished it before you left. Since then... I’ve done nothing. I couldn’t go through with it without you and Caitlyn. It didn’t seem worth it. It would have been too big for me, too empty. The apartment was bad enough. Even though you’d removed all traces of your existence, I could still hear your laugh, see Caitlyn crawling on the floor, smell the hazelnut in the coffee you made every morning. Did you really think I could forget you just because you took your clothes out of our closet?”
    â€œI’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry for hurting you and ruining everything.”
    He saw her blue eyes fill and steeled himself against those damn tears. He couldn’t stand watching a woman cry. “Don’t. I’m not going to try to make you feel better.”
    â€œI don’t want you to. I just wish I could at least explain why I did what I did.”
    â€œNothing can explain it.”
    â€œMaybe not, but I am sorry. For what it’s worth.”
    â€œIt’s not worth much,” he said harshly, because even though he wanted to believe her, he’d already made that mistake more than once and paid a terrible price. He couldn’t do it again. He was thankful Sarah didn’t give in to her emotions. Instead she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and stood up.
    â€œI’d better keep looking for some clues,” she said.
    He watched her return to the dresser, going through each drawer with resolute determination. There wasn’t much clothing in the drawers, as far as he could tell, just the basics. He wondered what she’d done with the stuff she’d taken from their home.
    Standing up, he walked over to the closet and opened the door. He rifled through a couple of dresses, some jeans, a few shirts, but none of them looked familiar. Had she worn these clothes when she’d been with him? Then he saw the large plaid shirt in the back corner of the closet, a man’s shirt, his shirt.
    He caught his breath, imagining her in that shirt, the hem barely covering her ass, highlighting her beautiful long legs. He didn’t have to pull the shirt out to know that the top two buttons would be gone; he’d ripped them off one night when he’d thrown her down on the bed and made love to her.
    His breath came short and fast at the memory.