Straight Man

cultural theory crap, and he’s sufficiently smarmy. Somebody will hire him.”
    “I wasn’t thinking about Orshee,” I tell him.
    “Who then? Finny?” Jacob says. “Finny will be given a year’s sabbatical at half pay to finish his dissertation at Penn. He won’t, but that’shis problem. After his sabbatical, we’ll keep him on to teach comp as an adjunct if he wants. That’s more than he deserves.”
    “And Billy Quigley?”
    “Walter is retiring over in university publications. Billy will be offered his job. He can nip in private all day. I know for a fact he’s wanted Walter’s job for a long time.” Jacob is having all he can do to contain himself now. I half-expect him to leap up on his desk and do a jig. The expression of pure delight on his face makes him look like a Jewish leprechaun. “Which leaves only William Henry Devereaux, Jr. What’s to be done with
that
asshole?”
    Until this moment I’ve felt myself to be a match for Jacob, even though he’s had the advantage of playing a concealed hand while most of my cards are face up on the table. But now I have a sinking feeling. Jacob knows he’s got me beat on the board. It doesn’t matter to him what I’m holding. And when I realize the card he’s about to turn over, a wave of pure nausea passes over me, and I feel the weight of my backed up urine pressing down hard on my groin.
    “You’re wrong,” I say, a little desperately. “It doesn’t leave just me. It also leaves you.” And I’m about to ask him what his price was, what sort of carrot Dickie had to dangle in front of him in order to get Jacob to play ball, when the penny drops. Terence Watters doesn’t waste his time talking to liberal arts deans.
    “My God,” I say. “Dickie’s out, isn’t he?”
    Jacob chortles. “Big tidal wave came and washed him clean away.”
    “And you’re in. Congratulations.”
    “Thanks,” he says, and it’s only now that his grin disappears. It was at this point, no doubt, that he expected me to be happy for him. And maybe I am.
    “Is it what you want, Jacob?”
    “It is,” he admits, a little sadly, it seems to me. Perhaps he’s remembering that when we were hired, we were
both
loose cannons. With this move, it’s official: the revolution has become an institution. “I don’t expect you to understand …”
    But of course I do, or I think I do. Jacob is a decent man of sound, thoughtful principles and educational values, who’s been subservient throughout most of his career to lesser men. He’d like to see what hecan do while he can still do it. He won’t get another chance, and I can’t find it in my heart to blame him for seizing this one.
    “Listen,” I say, getting to my feet. “I’m sorry. Since I came in here, I’ve been trying to hurt your feelings. I really have no idea why.”
    He waves this off. “Forget it. I’ve known you for twenty years. I know you’ve got no idea why you do what you do.”
    “I’m sure you’ll make a good CEO.”
    “Hey,” he grins. “I’m sure you’ll be a good dean of liberal arts.”
    I go over to the window, to
my
window if I want it to be, just in time to see the last of the tethered donkeys being led up a ramp into the women’s gym. Truth? I’m tempted. The same thing has occurred to me that no doubt occurred to Jacob. Just imagine the two of
us
in power. What fun we’d have. And, for a man like me, who’s so enjoyed rattling the English department’s cage, a promotion represents a wider field of play. Sure, I’ve always taken pride in my ability to wreak havoc from any position on the game board, but from this one …
    I indulge the fantasy for a long moment, then put it away. Even if I wanted this job, and I don’t, I can’t let Jacob do it. Of all the moves he’s made, appointing me dean is the only one that would cost him, and it would cost more than he can afford. No one will miss Orshee. No one will deny the justice of his decision concerning Finny, except possibly Finny himself. And Billy Quigley’s reassignment will be seen as an act of kindness. On the other hand, making me dean would be seen as an act of arrogance and defiance, a plum given a friend. He couldn’t do a worse thing without appointing Gracie.
    “Of course nothing is free,” Jacob is saying. He’s apparently read my temptation in my hesitation. “This is going to cost you your secretary. Marjory’s going to hit the links, and I’m going to need someone to make me look