The Beginning of After

The wave of anger at myself came so fast and lethal, I could have slapped my own face.
    Finally, Joe planted his elbows on the table and leaned in. “So. Been to any good proms lately?”
    I just broke out laughing, and the rage flushed away.
    “Nice,” was all I could say.
    “I’m sorry, I had to do it.” He smiled now.
    “ I’m sorry.”
    “Please,” he said, holding up his hand. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I should have tried harder to reach you.” He took a deep breath and wrapped both hands around his coffee cup, like the heat was giving him the guts to keep talking. “I could say that I wanted you to have some space, some time alone to work through your stuff, but that would be bull. I was scared. It’s not the kind of thing I know how to deal with.”
    I nodded. “I know. I would have done the same thing.” As long as we were being honest, I wanted to ask him whether he’d been set up by someone to take me to the prom. But I didn’t want this sweet, sudden normalness to end just yet.
    Joe took a deep, relieved breath and then a sip of his coffee, staring at his drawing of BlowHard. Then he raised an eyebrow and said, “Hey, you paint scenery, right?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Do you think you could give BlowHard something in the background? I suck at backgrounds, but I feel like he needs something behind him.”
    “For context,” I said.
    “Exactly!” said Joe, lighting up now.
    “I have an idea.”
    Joe dug into his bag and pulled out a pencil, then handed it to me. As I started to draw in the beginnings of BlowHard’s context, Joe said, “While you’re doing that, why don’t you tell me about the furry stuff?”
    Meg was smug. “I told you!” she said with a grin that evening. We were sitting on our rock, feeling the air cool off. Breathing the relief of it, in and out.
    Meg and Gavin had gone out nine times since prom night. He’d gotten to see that new bra eventually, and now they were a couple. At least I hadn’t totally screwed that up for my best friend.
    “It doesn’t mean anything,” I said, hoping that wasn’t true.
    “You deserve someone like him,” said Meg, and I had nothing to counter that with.
    “Do you think I should go say hi to him the next time we’re at that mall?”
    Meg looked at me. “We?”
    “Eve and me.” The way it came out, and the way Meg flinched, made me want to un-say it.
    Just then, Meg’s cell phone chirped with a text message, clicking us away from that awkward pause. Meg read the message, then started typing back.
    “Gavin?” I asked.
    “No, it’s my boss from camp, reminding me to come early tomorrow. There’s a big rehearsal.” She looked up at me. “You should come to the performance. The kids are doing an Andrew Lloyd Webber revue.”
    Meg said this sincerely, but how could I go? It would only remind me of the summer I was supposed to be having, and force me to make comparisons to my job at Ashland that I didn’t want to make.
    “Yeah, maybe,” I replied, and then we were just silent, listening to the cicadas and the distant squeal of kids’ voices down the street, where someone was having a barbecue and probably lots more fun than we were.

Chapter Sixteen

    T he hot and humid July turned into an even hotter, more humid August. Spending most of my time inside, however, I barely noticed. Between the house, Ashland, and Suzie’s office, my only jaunts into the real world were the dog walking and my quickie lunches with Eve. The sounds of this summer were the hum of air conditioners and the huh, huh, huh of panting dogs.
    At night, sometimes Meg would come over to watch a movie. She never invited me to her house. It felt like she needed a break from something, although I didn’t ask her what.
    Mr. Churchwell had arranged for me to take the Regents exams at a nearby high school, because our school district was too small to have their own summer testing. I’d taken a bunch of practice tests during the previous few weeks; they were a great way to make me drowsy late at night when I couldn’t sleep. So for two mornings in mid-August, I sat in a gym filled with students I didn’t know and lost myself in questions, answers, and essays.
    When I was done and driving home, I thought of the phone call I would have made to my father.
    Hey, Dad, I think I did well. I had to write a presentation on the benefits of weight-bearing exercise, so instead of celebrating with ice cream, let’s go for a nice long walk. Just